Everyone has emotions, some more than the others. Most people learn to hide their emotions as they grow older. As humans, we yearn to find a connection. It is a very important part of our lives. If we are not able to feel emotions, it can be hard to empathize and connect with others. Empathizing, understanding, and communicating with our fellow human beings is more important than you may think. However, there is a negative side to this coin – emotional detachment. It can affect your personal life to a great extent and leave you empty and drained.
What Is Emotional Detachment?
Emotional detachment can be described as a psychological experience that is characterized by a lack of feeling or connection to people and things around you. It is usually caused due to a traumatic event.
The person who is experiencing this phenomenon subconsciously mutes their feelings and emotions, generally to build a wall around their psychological brain to protect themself. Emotional detachment can occur in a relationship when one of the partners avoids emotional intimacy – whether intentionally or unintentionally – to maintain emotional control over themself.
This can manifest when a person strictly avoids uncomfortable situations that give rise to anxiety. Many people also seek personal boundaries by putting themself physically apart when dealing with others displaying emotion. Both are based on the need to alienate themself, also called detachment. Let’s take a look at what detachment means.
Detachment basically means being objective. A person is deemed to be detached when they are able to separate themself from an uncomfortable situation emotionally. Life often throws hurdles at us that may break us down, and one way of dealing with it is by detaching ourselves. Detachment requires stepping back and looking at things objectively – whether it is related to relationships, friends, hobbies, work, or other things.
Detachment is often mistaken as disinterest or dispassion, but there can be more to it. It can also be described as being fair, objective, impartial, or neutral. However, when it comes to emotional detachment, it not being able to or not wanting to open up and connect to people.
When you start feeling that your partner has begun to detach themself or has never really tried to get close and connected to you, it can be truly devastating. You may keep wondering if you have done something wrong that has resulted in this indifferent behavior. You may even think that they want to break up or divorce or have an affair.
Signs Of Emotional Detachment In Your Relationship
If you feel lonely and disconnected all the time in your relationship, you may be experiencing emotional detachment from your partner. No matter how much you beg for intimacy and closeness, it seems that your partner is deaf to your needs. You may even feel that your partner looks right through you as if you are not even present with cold, disinterested eyes. What exactly is going on here? Why does your partner seem to be slowly pulling away? Why does it seem like you are the only one trying to keep communication open and this relationship alive?
Understanding what is going on will help you in figuring out what to do. Look out for these warning signs in your relationship.
1. Your Partner Seems Disinterested In What You Have To Say
Whenever you are sharing something that happened during your day or pouring your heart out to your partner, they look slightly bored or even irritated. Instead of both of you having an engaging conversation, it is always one-sided. You always seem to be trying to build closeness, but your partner is not interested in the least.
2. They Do Not Share Their Problems Or Worries With You
You used to be the first person your partner turned to when they were worried or upset or had a bad day. But not anymore. In fact, even when you know that something is wrong and question your partner about it, they clam up. You are no longer invited into their private life any longer. It feels as if your partner no longer wants to be authentic or vulnerable with you. You feel more and more like polite strangers than lovers.
3. They AlwaysPut Their Needs Above Yours
Your partner downright neglects to do nice things for you. They rarely, if ever, put your needs above their own. They don’t care if you are freezing — God forbid if you reset the thermostat! It is always set to your partner’s preference. Your partner seems to have stopped considering your feelings when taking actions or making decisions. They are not at all worried about the impact these little things have on your relationship.
4. They Are Not Moved By Your Emotions
In your desperation to get your partner’s attention, you may throw a tantrum or get intensely emotional or angry. Your feelings of rejection and pain spill over in tears. But your partner doesn’t care about your emotions. They seem oblivious to them; they don’t care if you are suffering and need a bit of love and kindness.
5. They Are Always Withdrawn And Never Want To Spend Time With You
You expect to spend quality time with your partner where you can enjoy each other’s company. But it never happens. Every time you try to spend time together, they come up with an excuse for being busy. When you walk into a room where your partner is and try to talk to them, they get up and leave or pretend to be busy.
6. They Seem Apathetic During A Conflict
You want to resolve the conflicts and disagreements you both have so that you can move past them. You care about repairing the bond you once shared. But they don’t seem particularly interested in working things out with you. They are not even angry or frustrated – just indifferent. Even if you try to goad them into an argument, you just get an exasperated sigh or an eye roll.
7. They Have Stopped Expressing Their Love
‘I love you’ – these three little words have disappeared from their vocabulary. There was a time when they told you regularly that they love you and adores you, but now, they don’t. This is a huge red flag. They are 100% emotionally detaching from you. In fact, when you say “I love you” to your partner, all they give you is a tight-lipped smile.
8. They Are Disinterested In Sex
Your sex life is non-existent. It has almost fizzled out, and whenever you try to bring the subject up, your partner gets passive or irritated. Whenever you try to initiate sex, you are rebuffed in some way or the other. Sometimes, they even hint that you are the problem and the reason they no longer want to engage in sex.
9. They Never Try To Make You Happy
They did things to make you smile, cared about things you liked, and tried to make you feel loved. They wrote you poems and got you flowers. But all those things are no longer present. Now, they make little or no effort for you. You almost feel like a roommate that your partner is somehow tolerating.
10. They Are Rarely Affectionate, If Ever
They used to hold your hand when you would walk together. They used to cuddle with you in bed and hug you goodbye. But now, they have just stopped being affectionate. When you try to kiss or hug your partner, they quickly pull away. It seems as if your touch makes them uncomfortable or irritated.
11. They Shut Down When You Talk About The Relationship
It’s clear to both of you that things aren’t going well between you both. However, you are desperately trying to work on improving the relationship. But, whenever you try to discuss it, your partner either ignores you or throws a fit. They keep pretending like everything is fine or simply shuts you up by refusing to discuss it at all. The most apparent thing is your partner is no longer interested in improving your connection.
12. They Often Give You The Silent Treatment
Your partner seems perfectly ok with sitting in silence with you – even when there are unresolved issues between you both. They more or less grunt indifferently or give you one-word responses to your attempts at reconciliation. There’s no effort from their side to reciprocate your attempts at conversation, much less to attempt making up. It feels like they are intentionally pulling away from you by refusing to talk.
13. They Don’t Ever Talk About The Future
If you ever bring up your dreams or future plans for the two of you, your partner escapes like the zombies are after them. You get either an outright refusal to discuss your future plans or a super mellow response at best. Their non-committal answers make you feel that they are not as invested in your future together as you are. In reality, they no longer care enough even to discuss plans for the future with you.
14. They Purposely Do Things To Sabotage Your Relationship
Your partner may try to create further issues in the relationship by unnecessarily picking a fight or doing something that they know will make you upset or angry. If you get angry, they don’t have to attempt to connect with you because you seem to be the one with issues. Your partner uses your hurt and anger to build a wall around themself. They use it as an excuse for detaching themself.
15. They Get Angry When You Try To Have A Connection
Instead of shutting down or making excuses, when you try to establish a connection with them, they try to intimidate and control you by getting angry. They use anger as a buffer that prevents you from exploring what is truly the cause of their behavior and their changed attitude towards you. Their anger may scare you and keep you at an arm’s distance. You may be emotionally unable to break through the defenses they have built around themself.
Emotional detachment doesn’t always result in the end of a healthy relationship. A person can sometimes emotionally detach themself because of their own anxieties and fears or other emotions that are tormenting them and preventing them from being emotionally available. If your partner is open to the idea, go for couple counseling to figure out the issues and deal with them.
You deserve someone who will be in a relationship that is intimate, close, and emotionally fulfilling. Never allow a person’s detachment towards you to go unaddressed or ignore it because you are too afraid of losing that person. Never allow anyone to impact your self-worth. Be brave, acknowledge what is happening, and take the necessary steps to deal with the issue so that you can have a happier, more fulfilling life.
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