101 Funny And Witty Responses To The Question “How Are You?”

Written by Harini Natarajan

Every single time you meet them, people ask the same questions – “How are you?” “How have you been?” and “Are you doing well?” The answers to these are most often, “I am fine, thanks.” Boring. This is exactly why you should keep a few different replies to “How are you?” ready.

You are too cool to give the same, bland answer to this question ALL the time. People will expect you to say “good” or “fine,” so surprise them by coming up with an unexpected answer. Here are some quirky, humorous replies to the ‘how are you’ question.

Funny Responses To How Are You


  1. Somewhere between better and best.
  2. Can’t complain…I have tried, but no one listens.
  3. If I had a tail, I would wag it! (Wriggle your hips)
  4. I am as happy as a tick on a big, fat doggy.
  5. Oh, stop it, will you? (Say it like he or she is complimenting you even though he or she is not.)
  6. I love you. (This is an awesome response if you want to fluster them and catch them off-guard)
  7. So much better now that you are with me.
  8.  At minding my own business? So much better than most people.
  9.  Wondering how you are…
  10.  Physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Financially? Socioeconomically? I am not sure what you mean.
  11. I am still sucking…air, that is.
  12. I am planning on taking over the world.
  13. Not bad. Could be better, though. Could be payday.
  14. Things could be worse – I could be you (for siblings 😉)
  15. Hopefully, not as good as I will ever be.
  16. Great, because my name wasn’t in today’s obituaries.
  17. Better than I was a minute ago because you are here now.
  18. I am better on the inside than I look on the outside.
  19. If I was any finer, I would be China.
  20. I would be better if you asked me out.
  21. If I was any better, vitamins would be taking me.

Best Responses To How Are You


  1. Armed and ready!
  2. My lawyer has stated that I don’t have to answer that question.
  3. Almost like you, but better.
  4. I could really go for a massage.
  5. How do you want me to be? (Use a sexy tone)
  6. I have been going through GOT in my work life. Is everything stable at your end?
  7. I would say I am a 9.99999 out of 10.
  8. I was fine – until you asked.
  9. If I was doing any better, I would hire you to enjoy it with me.
  10. I hear good things; however, you should never listen to rumors.
  11. Like a Pitbull in a China shop.

Witty Responses To How Are You


  1. I don’t know. Is it Friday yet?
  2. My psychiatrist says that I shouldn’t discuss it with strangers.
  3. I am doing a bit better than before, but not nearly as awesome as I am going to be.
  4. I am feeling blessed!
  5. I still have a pulse, so I must be doing good.
  6. Better than most, but maybe not as well as others.
  7. Doing fairly well, unless you have some contagious disease and are about to infect me 😉.
  8. Much better than I deserve.
  9. I think I am doing alright. How do you think that I am doing?
  10. I don’t feel that great, but look! At least my hair looks amazing.
  11. I am doing well…or that could be my anti-depressants speaking.
  12. I can’t really complain, but I will still try.
  13. Alright so far, but there is plenty of time for things to get bad.
  14. Each day is better than the next.
  15. Don’t ask – it’s too early to tell.
  16. Medium-well.
  17. Incredibly good looking.
  18. Everything is fine when you are around.
  19. Great, but I should warn you that I am totally biased.
  20. Still in bed? (over the phone)
  21. Getting better with every passing second.
  22. What an impertinent question to ask a girl! Hmmph.
  23. Living an amazing dream. Don’t wake me up yet. You may join me, though. There is plenty of room.
  24. The best I can be. I hope you are at your best too.
  25. I am feeling so good that I have to sit on my hands to stop myself from clapping.

Clever Responses To How Are You


  1. To answer that question, I need to take you back about 12 years. Do you have a minute?
  2. Slowly but surely dying.
  3. Fair to partly cloudy.
  4. Living a life of suppressed rage, emotional imbalance, and denial.
  5. Groovy!
  6. Well, I have got this strange itch on my right butt cheek…
  7. Stellar, great, fantastic – but dead inside.
  8. Oh, terrible, thank you so much!
  9. What’s with all these questions? You a cop?
  10. As compared to what?
  11. You go first. Then, we can compare.
  12. I am not so sure yet.
  13. Living the dream! But half the time, it is a nightmare.
  14. Not quite there yet.
  15. Dangerously close to being fabulous.
  16. You are looking at it, baby.
  17. I am high-quality, 100% plant-fed. (perfect for vegans)
  18. The doctor said I would live.

Creative Responses To How Are You


  1. I had promised myself I would murder the next person who asked me that question. What should I do…I like you too much.
  2. Rolling with the punches.
  3. [*speak gibberish*]
  4. Your attempt at social interaction to be polite is hereby acknowledged.
  5. How much are you willing you pay me if I tell you?
  6. WHY!? WHAT DID THEY SAY?? (Act suspicious of everything and everyone!)
  7. Dying. Thanks.
  8. Hunting dinosaurs. You?
  9. Not today, Satan!
  10. I am really just trying hard to avoid ambiguous questions at this moment.
  11. Wondering how YOU are…
  12. How do you think I am?
  13. [*just stare for a minute*]
  14. Good question. (Walk away)
  15. Happy, and I know it. [*clap your hands*]
  16. I will leave that up to your imagination.
  17. It’s a secret.
  18. Do you want the short or the detailed version?
  19. Surviving, I guess.
  20. Not as good as you.
  21. Holy s**t, you can see me?! I died last week, since then…
  22. Under renovation.
  23. I am sober!
  24. On a scale of one to punching someone in the face, I am at 7.5.
  25. Trust me, you do not want to know.
  26. Next question, please.

If you know that you are one-of-a-kind, you can’t really do the same old routine. It is only natural that you will want a quirky response other than the old and bold “I’m fine, thank you.” If you want to show off how unique and witty you are, these responses are good to go with.

Pick your favorites, and rest assured that your buddies are going to be super impressed! So how are you? Send us your response by commenting in the box below. We would love to hear from you.

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