12 Ways To Stop Being Possessive

Written by Harini Natarajan , Certified Emotional Intelligence Practitioner

One of the major reasons that relationships break up is one or both partners start behaving possessively. These feelings of jealousy can be due to many factors, ranging from trauma experienced previously by one of the partners to individual insecurities. It can even be because of innate character issues that were never completely addressed by these individuals. It can be extremely hard to deal with a relationship when one of the partners gets overly jealous. This is because when this type of jealous behavior starts to manifest, various aspects of the relationship are affected – things like mutual respect, confidence, trust, and the relationship as a whole.

What Is Possessiveness?


Having a controlling or possessive partner may feel very different from a regular partner. Many couples discover that there is a difference between a sweet and possessive lover and a partner who wants to own them. When it comes to insecurity or jealousy, couples can often cross the line from love to extreme possessiveness. They tend to disrespect each other’s inherent independence and intrude on each other’s boundaries. The secret searches through phones, the guilt games when one of the partners goes out with their friends, the angry outbursts when reassurance isn’t received, or the constant interrogation over conversations with anyone else – all of these things can be extremely difficult to deal with.

These are some early signs of possessiveness you should watch out for.

Early Signs Of Possessiveness


  1. You may find that you are communicating with family, friends, and loved ones lesser and lesser because your partner wants all of your time. Isolating a person is a sign of emotional abuse and possessiveness.
  2. Although many couples in relationships delegate the responsibility of managing finances to one individual, if your partner starts to control single every penny you spend, it could be a warning sign.
  3. When a person starts to consider their partner as a possession, a pattern of dominating behavior ensues. Possessive and emotionally abusive people have an innate need to always feel in charge.
  4. If your partner has hidden insecurities, they may often have jealous outbursts. In fact, to make themselves feel better, they may expect you to give up your friends and freedom. This is a clear sign of possessiveness.

So, how can you control this type of behavior? How do you stop yourself from feeling insanely jealous when you get into a relationship? Here are a few tips that will help you.

12 Ways To Stop Being Possessive

1. Stop Making A Big Deal About The Past


It may have been that you were cheated on or lied to before – but this is a brand new relationship. Don’t ever let the past ruin what you have now. Your partner is not the same person as your ex, and you both deserve a fresh start. Trust us, you will feel loads better if you let the past go. You absolutely can’t change anything that has already happened, so release whatever past hurt you are holding on to and focus on the beautiful relationship you are in now.

2. Live Your Own Life

If you have your own hobbies, your own job, and your own social life, you will be a far more interesting person to your bae. It is important to spend time together, of course, but it is also a good thing to spend some time apart and have different things to talk about and share when you are together.

3. Don’t Be Overbearing

The more you obsess that your partner isn’t being honest with you or doesn’t love you, the more you will scare them away. No one wants to be bound to a needy person, so don’t push all the worries and fears stemming from your own issues on your partner. Believe that they love you because they chose to get into a relationship with you. If you make your boo feel like they have done something evil even when they haven’t, they might start wondering if the relationship is worth it.

4. Don’t Let Your Jealousy Eat You Alive


Jealousy not only kills a relationship but also makes you feel hateful and bitter in your daily life. The green-eyed monster in you will make you feel worthless and cut you down. Turn that negative attitude into a positive feeling by acknowledging that your partner chooses to be with you because you are a good person on your own. You don’t need to be jealous of anyone else your partner may be spending time with. Know your own self-worth and believe that your significant other is lucky to be with you.

5. Find Ways To Calm Your Anxiety

There are many ways to calm your anxiety. Practice mindfulness and breathing exercises. These things allow us to sit comfortably with our feelings and thoughts without allowing them to control our behavior or getting overpowered by them.

6. Get To Know Each Other’s Friends

A great way to stop feeling unnecessarily jealous is to get familiar with each other’s friends and social circles. If you are aware of who your partner is spending time with, you will know for sure that there is no reason to worry. In fact, you may even like their friends and want to hang out with them as well!

7. Try To Find The Root Of The Problem

Why do you feel so insanely possessive in your relationship? Whether it is a because of an experience from a past relationship or something that may have happened in your childhood, you need to figure out what is making you feel and act in this embarrassing way. It will definitely help you come to terms with your insecurity issues and conquer them, which, in turn, will make you feel more confident and help you build better relationships in the future.

8. Don’t Try To Change Your Partner


You knew what you were getting into and who your partner was before you decided to get involved in the relationship. So, why do you feel the need to change them now? Convincing yourself that your partner needs to change could just be an easy and unfair answer to the issues you may be having in this relationship.

9. Trust Your Partner And Yourself

People often feel very insecure about their partners because they project their own issues onto them. When you start feeling jealous and insecure, you need to do some self-reflection to figure out if the problem is really something they did or if the problem is you.

10. Don’t Get Paranoid

There are many people who get completely paranoid when they are not aware of what their partner is doing at all times. They may worry that their significant other is flirting with someone else while at work, or they are hanging out with the wrong kind of people. This kind of paranoia can be extremely dangerous. It not only makes you doubt your partner but also affects your peace of mind and well-being. Rather, just let your partner be. Learn to trust that they will value you above everyone else.

11. Don’t Spy On Your Partner


Admit it — everyone has done it at least once! Going through emails of an account that has been left open, taking a peek at the browser history, scrolling through text messages… It may seem harmless and normal to you, but it is creating cracks in your relationship. You may think there is something to find, and that thought hurts the trust you both have – or, rather, should have. Also, it will get really awkward if they catch you doing it! Learn to keep yourself busy with healthy thoughts and acts.

12. Be Open About Your Issues

Tell your bae how you feel without making it a blame game. Tell them about your issues from the past relationship that makes it hard for you to trust anyone else. Talk to them about how you feel when they act a certain way. Make sure you are presenting things not as a fight, but as an open dialog. If you are honest and open about things that worry you, your significant other is more likely to hear your side of it. If you both are on the same page, it will definitely help you stop being insanely possessive. Once everything gets out in the open, you both can start to work through it —together as a team!

When it comes to relationships, we are almost always better off trusting our partners. This is the only way to ensure that you are in a healthy relationship. By enjoying your independence, enhancing your sense of self, and truly appreciating what’s real, you can be self-possessed and happy within yourself. This way, no matter what the outcome, you will benefit because you will know that you have stayed true to yourself and acted with integrity – beautiful qualities that will serve you in the long haul of any future relationship.

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