Are you a best man, maid of honor, or master of ceremonies? If yes, a marriage speech with levity will help you kick-start the ceremony. Marriage jokes are all about laughing at others, together, and at oneself, at the marriage ceremony. They add cheerfulness and charm to the wedding party or reception. These jokes are light-hearted and meant to be playful. Check out our list of the best rib-tickling marriage jokes that you can relate to. Read on.
In This Article
Funny Marriage Jokes
Entertaining husband and wife stories, comedic marriage anecdotes, and humorous family tales add life and laughter to the party. These are some of the jokes about married life that can crack up a party!
- Marriage is like going to a restaurant. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
- Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time!
- What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
- My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.
- Wife renewed me for another season.
- Just asked my wife what she’s “burning up for dinner” and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.
- The groom is the kind of guy you don’t have to worry about introducing your parents to. That’s why (Bride) didn’t worry about introducing (Groom) to hers until today.
- Wife: “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?” Husband: “How can I? I don’t even know her.”
- Marriage is like deleting all the apps on your phone except one.
- I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.
- At every party, there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
- Any husband who says, ‘My wife and I are completely equal partners’, is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
- A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.
- Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
- At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”
- My husband cooks for me like I’m a god – by placing burnt offerings before me every night.
- My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic.
- When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie. She meant goals.
- My wife made me a green hamburger today to celebrate St Patrick’s Day. I asked her how she colored it and she said she didn’t know what I was talking about.
- Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
- When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
- Of course, the groom has always been incredibly image-conscious, but this morning was particularly bad – he spent three hours in the bathroom! To get an idea of what that’s like, why not agree to make a wedding speech?
- Marriage is full of surprises but it’s mostly just asking each other, “Do you have to do that right now?”
- Do you know why the king of hearts married the Queen of hearts? They were perfectly suited for each other.
- Whenever my wife packs me a salad for lunch all I wanna know is what I did wrong.
- The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are “I apologize” and “You are right.”
- On my wedding day, my mom told my bride, “No refunds, no exchanges on sale items.”
- My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I’d start lying to my wife..
- Husband: “Why do you keep reading our marriage license?”
Wife: “I’m looking for an expiration date.”
- What are a married man’s two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
- My wife told me I should do something productive with my time. So, now I tell marriage jokes.
- Why do husbands like to watch their wedding tape backward? They love the part where they take off the ring, walk back down the aisle, jump in the car, and leave.
- If you wish to change the world, do it while you are single. Because once you get married, you can not even change the television channel!
- There are only three situations that require witnesses – crimes, accidents, and marriages.
- Did you hear about the man who told his wife he loved her so much, he would swim the deepest ocean for her? She said that was very sweet, and then asked him to go outside and prove it because it just started raining.
- The argument was initiated when my wife asked, “Why is it everyone in this house thinks they are boss?” I replied, “Well, it’s clearly not you or me!”
- Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park.
- Why don’t most husbands make good secret agents? Because they can’t remember a thing!
- Wife: “Do you think our kids are spoiled?” Husband: “No, I think most kids smell that way.”
- I told my wife to embrace her mistakes and move on. She gave me a tight hug!
- When I said I wanted to be treated like a king, I meant a beloved monarch, not Henry VIII.
- What’s the difference between a husband and a museum? A museum has valued things!
- A wife was complaining about her husband spending too much time at work. His reply: “Would you rather have a wealthy husband or one you can see every day?”
- Aristotle once said, “Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting both bodies.” And marriages are like the wife inhabiting both bodies!
- The secret to a long and happy marriage? Do not argue about insignificant things. If both the salt and the carpet are on the floor, pick up the salt!
- An ideal husband is the one who can guess every time his wife is about to get mad at him, and more importantly— why!
- Overheard after a couple’s disagreement: Wife: “You’re very inconsiderate.” Husband: “Well, I came into this world without considering your presence!”
- Silence is pure bliss when your wife is sleeping. If not, it’s the storm before the tornado.
- A husband may not hear what his wife is saying, but rest assured, his wife can always hear what he is not saying.
- Wife: “Darling, how do I look?” Husband: “With your eyes, dear.”
- After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they simply cannot face each other, but they stay together.
- Husband to wife: “Living with you feels like time is flying. Life is so much fun!” Wife to husband: “Yeah, because you have someone to blame every time.”
- Marriage is a relationship where one is always right, and the other is the husband.
- A husband is the only species who gets blamed for the burnt toast, even when his wife makes it.
- Wife: Do you want to have dinner?
Husband: Of course! What are the choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
- Marriage between a man and a woman is called a bond. Can also be referred to as an outstanding debt.
- Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they turned the gas burner off before leaving the house and the person who is certain they did not!
- My son once asked me, “Dad, I heard that there are several places in the world where the man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.” I replied, “That is true everywhere.”
- Wife: “I’m going shopping, want anything?” Husband: “Yes, one hour of peace.”
- Wife: “I feel ignored.” Husband: “Hello ignored, I can finally see who you are.”
Well, marriage is not a joke, but it can feel hilarious sometimes. Marriage is about the highs and lows, the sad and the happy. Therefore, it requires a good dose of laughter for marriage to survive. So, share these dirty love jokes and relationship humor with your friends or partner and make the world go around.
Dirty Marriage Jokes
Witty matrimonial tales and marital humor does not always have to be light and timid. Sometimes dirty jokes on marriage can make up for some hilarious marriage stories at a party!
- What do wives and hurricanes have in common? On arrival, they’re wet and wild. When they leave, they take the house and car with them.
- How is a wife like bacon? They both look, smell, and taste amazing. They also both slowly kill you.
- What’s the difference between “incomplete” and “finished”? A man without a wife feels incomplete. Once married, he’s finished.
- I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm.
She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.
- What’s the difference between a relationship and a video game?
They both start off fun and easy, then get a little harder. If you make it to the end without breaking, everyone is shocked.
- Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands? Because they always have to repeat themselves.
- What do a wife and a grenade have in common? They both leave you hurt when you pull off the ring.
- Wife: Let’s go out and have fun tonight!
Husband: Okay but, if you get back before me, leave the light on.
- What’s the difference between a bride-to-be and a groom-to-be? A bride-to-be wants a shower. A groom-to-be wants to get as dirty as possible before his Big Day.
- Why didn’t the man speak to his wife for years on end? She told him never to interrupt.
- What’s the secret to a happy marriage? Find a woman who can cook and clean. A woman who’s an animal in bed. A woman with lots of money. Make sure these three women never meet.
- Wife: “I love you.” Husband: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
- After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
- A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!” The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.” The trucker replies, “Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick.”
- I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married they send over a lady in a housecoat and curlers to burn my toast for me.
- The most dangerous food is the wedding cake.
- My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we argued seriously enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
- An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed, but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ”Why are you going to sleep on the floor?” The old woman says, “Because I want to feel something hard for a change.”
- It was a perfect marriage. She didn’t want to, and he couldn’t.
- How do you keep your husband from reading your email? Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals.”
- Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
A: Santa stops after three hos.
- A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
- How do most men define a wedding? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
- What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
- Wife: Why are you home so early? Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.
- Q: What kind of institution is marriage?
A: One where a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
- Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first, it’s a perfect fit, but after a while, you need alterations.
- How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays, it is almost impossible!
- The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
- Marriage is what kind of sport? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license!
- The boss says to his worker: “Marcus, I know that your salary is not enough to get married … but you must believe me that one day you will thank me.”
- The friend asked the man, “Why is your wife sitting in the freezer?” He replied, “Because she said she wanted to cool down.”
- What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They can both smell it but they can’t eat it.
- Knowing my wife, I took the wrong words to heart when she told me to “stiffen up.”
- A wife gives her husband a steamy glance from across the dining table and asks, “Would you like to join me in the dessert” He replies, “No thank you, I like my steak as it is—well done.”
- A husband boasts, “Do you know what makes me happy?” Wife replies nonchalantly as she lifts her glass of wine, “Would that be fantasy or reality?”
- Wife: “Summer is a passionate mistress, but I love you more.”
Husband: “As long as you’re not talking about anyone we know, I’m cool with it.”
- Husband embarrassed with wife at the party, “What would you do if I started barbecuing you up right here?” Wife blushing yet smirking, “I’d say hello to Sir In-Your-Dreams.”
- A couple enjoys a romantic summer heat only for the man to exclaim, “It’s just like you, steaming hot and difficult to handle!”
- On their beach vacation, the wife struts around confidently in her bikini. Husband knees deep in ocean waters, hollers, “Miss Universe heading north or south?”
- When her husband asked her playfully to help strip him sweetly, she replied, “Sorry honey, I don’t indulge in cheap confectionery.”
- The husband shows off his abs in the morning, “Do you want to know my six-pack secret?” Wife quickly responds, “Stay clear of lager, love!”
- A man went to his wife and said throbbingly, “Find anything poking?” Wife being the practical one said, “Only if it’s related to knitting patterns.”
- They were snuggling and his wife said softly, “Speaking of fantasies, how about the one of you ironing?”
- Husband while applying lotion to wife’s skin, “This suncream makes you look heavenly.” Wife sarcastically, “Done with fairy tales, honey? You can join reality now!”
- Wife: “What goes skewwhiff when romance kicks in?” Husband mischievously defaulting to his bachelor days, “My evening TV viewing!”
- When making love, the husband calms down his nervous wife with these words, “Don’t worry darling, consider it an indoor farce!”
- Watching a wrestling match, the wife questions her husband, “Why all the gripping?” Husband smirks, “Relax honey, it is only their submission holds.”
- Daydreaming about the playful games of the previous night, the wife jokes, “Do you miss frolicking with Mr. Luscious Lips?” The befuddled husband raised his eyebrows, “When was he invited into our garden, first?”
- As the moonlight danced playfully on the garden swing, the wife asked her husband, “Any slight thought of celebrating zone five tonight?” Husband chuckles over his pint, “Not unless I’m teleporting to a Scottish Lap Dance!”
- During an intimate moment, the wife whispered delicately, “Have you seen my new lingerie darling?” Husband respond with feigned enthusiasm, “To be honest, I always like what’s inside it more.”
- A newlywed thought he had caveman scenarios well figured out until his wife asked innocently, “Fancy Swinger’s Games Night after dinner?” His eyebrow-raising reply, “As long as Tarzan remembers his pants!”
- Wife about to head out for work, leaves a note for her husband: “Romantic lunch, what say hmm?” Having dozed off, the husband responded with hastened backing: “Is it in the fridge? That’s my favorite.”
- Enjoying a cozy evening by the fireside, the husband turns to his wife, “Ever fantasize about a menage a trois?” His wife, cozying up to him, strictly retorts, “Not unless this involves a foot rub or chocolate.”
- When asked about what she dressed up as for Halloween, the wife quaintly responded, “Do I need a reason, darling? Living with you is scary enough!”
- The husband lovingly whispered in his wife’s ear, “Let’s roleplay tonight.” The wife calmly asked, “Does that include you cleaning while I put my feet up?”
- Conjuring up intimate thoughts, the husband asked, “Remember when we used to make out in the backseat?” The wife retorts, “Our Volvo or the neighborhood’s BMW?” He shyly admits, “The Volvo, but my mind definitely thought it was a BMW.”
- Wife baring her soul, states, “Time stands still whenever you’re near me”. Husband being practical responds, “It’s less about time and more about the children forgetting to change the clock batteries.”
- The wife bored during a lazy Saturday afternoon asks, “Would it involve less clothes?” The husband suddenly alerted, responds, “If we’re cleaning the gutters, then definitely not.”
- Strolling hand in hand at night, the wife appreciatively gazes at the beauty of the stars and sea. Husband, “Are you really into star watching?” The wife replies, “Only if a glass of wine world is coming with it.”
- Wife sunbathing in the backyard, “Husband I’m feeling really hot” The amused husband replies, “It seems climate science needs aerial observations from you, darling!”
Keep reading for some witty, naughty, and relatable adult marriage jokes your wife and peers will love. You will chuckle, laugh, and giggle while building a life together with the jokes listed below.
Marriage Jokes For Adults
Comical spousal anecdotes and amusing relationship anecdotes lighten the mood and bring cheer to the party. Here are a few instances where family humor cracks people up!
- Wife: “How would you describe me?”
Wife: “What does that mean?”
Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”
Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”
Husband: “I’m just kidding!”
- Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
- A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five-year-old woman, I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.” “Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five-year-old ass?” She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation.”
- Wife: “In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring.”
Husband: “I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill.”
- Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?
- I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, and she said yes – about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
- A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
- Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
- A married couple is out one night at a dance club. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.” The husband says, “Looks like he’s still celebrating!”
- One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “And you can do anything you want.” So he tied her up and went golfing.
- A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, “I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why do you want to talk to me?” she asked, puzzled. “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.
- If a wife is laughing at her husband’s jokes, it means they have guests.
- A husband asks his wife, “Will you marry after I die?” The wife responds, “No, I will live with my sister.” The wife asks him back, “Will you marry after I die?” The husband responds, “No, I will also live with your sister.”
- My wife’s an Earth sign. I’m a Water sign. Together we make mud!
- A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, “It’s my husband, you have to leave!” The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, “Wait, I’m your husband!” She replies giving him a dirty look, “So why did you run?”
- In my house I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.
- The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.
- A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. “Mother of six,” he would say, “what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!” She gets very frustrated. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, “Mother of six, I think it’s time to go!” The wife immediately shouts back, “I’ll be right with you, father of four!”
- A man goes to see a wizard and says, “Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?” “Maybe,” says the wizard, “Can you remember the exact words of the curse?” The man replies, “I pronounce you man and wife.”
- If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
- My wife said she needed more space. So, I left her in the supermarket.
- My wife told me to go get some pills that help with an erection. You should have seen her face right after when I drifted into the herbal tea section of the store!
- My wife asked me to help with a good pasta recipe. I told her that cooking pasta was as easy as pie, forgetting that her attempts at pie hadn’t gone great either!
- My wife said I never listen or something like that. Looks like she hasn’t figured out my selective hearing yet!
- When my wife told me she wanted to feel special, I wrapped her into a tight burrito blanket and christened her the queen of Comfylandia!
- I once asked my wife why she married me. She said, “For better or for worse.” I said, “Well, you couldn’t do worse and I couldn’t do better, darling.”
- I asked my wife if I was her only one while doing building work at home. She looked up from her book, blinked at me over her glasses, and answered, “Well, you’re the only one who would paint the floor while standing on that corner!”
- My wife once noted I had a lot of gray hair for my age. Responding with a deceitful innocence, “It just shows how much I have grown up with you!”
- My wife teased me in bed one night, hiding the remote. I buzzed back, “My love, the only control I’ll ever have is the TV remote, wouldn’t deny a man’s happiness!”
- While dancing, the wife glanced at her husband, “Does my choreography amuse you?” The husband responds, “I’ve always been graced by your liquid movement, darling!”
- Husband reading aloud a book in bed, “You remind me of this character.” Wife grabs a glance, “If it’s not a superheroine, you’re sleeping alone tonight!”
- Savoring midnight bites, the wife asks her culinary-inclined husband, “How can you resist my dessert platter?” Husband rolled his eyes and teased her with a smile, “My secret ingredient is leftovers in disguise!”
- Walking home late at night, the wife feeling fidgety mentions, “Nearly stepped on that garden snail.” Husband, slightly amused, boosts her, “Even the tiniest creatures love sticking by you, my sun!”
- Crossing all boundaries, wife mock-cries, “Your wet kisses are raiding my makeup, darling!” Husband laughs and retorts, “Just asserting my husbandly privilege, sweetheart!”
- Married men should forget their mistakes. Because there is no point in two people remembering the same thing!
- During a road trip in their favorite car, the wife turns up the volume of his favorite songs. She says, “See the speed limit, darling!” Husband replies dramatically, “Damn it feels like paradise moving on highway chord with you!”
- The wife intensely argues that her favorite movie character makes nonsense endings, “How could he choose her?” Smirking husband retorted, “Easy, he has a weakness for drama just like someone else I know.”
- “Can I massage your foot darling?” asked the wife as she put down her book. The husband groans jokingly, “Are you finally ready to take responsibility for my tortured soles?”
- My wife said that I always twist her words to my advantage. I took it as a compliment!
- During a friendly face-off in chess gadgets, his wife touted, “My mission ends with your king down.” The cunning husband lures, “That’s my game plan darling, in our personal battlefield it’s always the lady’s game! Come and claim your win!”
- While camping at the edge of the woods, the wife poked fun at her husband’s bear-like snoring. Answering back in jest, he said “I guess if a bear shows up, I might just be able to out-snore him!”
- My friend understands me too well. So I asked him, “Why isn’t my wife teaching at a well-known university?” He asked, “Why do you think so?” To which I replied, “Because she definitely has a master’s degree in arguing with a minor in disagreement.”
Marriage will give you lots to laugh about with (sometimes without) your partner. The following sections list short, one-liner marriage jokes that sum up the entire marriage game. Scroll down to explore LOL-worthy, hilarious jokes about ‘marital bliss’ and get everyone on the floors laughing like crazy.
One-Liner Marriage Jokes
Sometimes one-liners have the right spousal humor and domestic humor that add life to relationships. Take a look at these one-liners that can make you an instant party favorite.
- A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
- My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
- Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Marriage is a three-ring circus. First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
- My wife is a light eater … as soon as it’s light, she starts to eat.
- A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
- Husbands are like fires, they go out when unattended.
- I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
- I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know.
- We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
- A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. The second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- I just saw two nuclear technicians getting married. The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
- What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newly-webs.
- Did you hear about the two bed bugs that were lovers? They got married in the spring.
- Marriages are made in heaven. Then again, so are thunder, lightning, tornadoes, and hail.
- Today’s wedding is a love match, pure as simple. She’s pure, and he’s simple.
- My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
- Why did the moth stick to the bride’s face? Because she was glowing.
- Did you hear about the newlyweds who stayed up all night waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
- The bride looks absolutely stunning, and the groom looks absolutely stunned!
- Only after getting married do you realize that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.
- When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.
- Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
- Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.
- Spiders apply for divorce because, after marriage, she eats him.
- A woman gets married for the attention, stays married for the kids, and divorces for the money.
- My wife told me I have only two faults – first, I don’t listen, and second, something else I don’t remember at the moment.
- If you love something, set it free. If it ever comes back, it was probably another guy wasting time.
- Valentine’s Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don’t have a special someone, there’s always alcohol.
- My wife dresses to kill. And she cooks the same way!
- They say that love is more important than money but ever tried to pay the bills with a hug?
- Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is not at home.
- Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other is the husband.
- Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
- I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.
- An archaeologist is the best husband because the older his wife gets, the more interested he becomes.
- What’s the secret to a long-lasting marriage? Don’t argue. If you’re wrong, admit it, and if you’re right, keep quiet.
- Marriage: A relationship in which one person is always happy…and the other is the husband.
- Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
- A wife will always patiently listen to your reasonable excuses just before she tells you to shut up.
- Remember, in marriage–what’s yours is hers, and what’s hers is hers.
- Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both of them are disappointed.
- Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your spouse.
- The more you invest in a marriage, the more valuable it becomes. Especially when the wife loves to shop.
- Marriage is all about 3 rings–the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and suffering.
- If there is one thing that all men at single’s bars have in common, it’s that they are married.
Short Marriage Jokes
Whether true or not, funny wedding tales and laughable couple stories can always make people laugh like anything. Try reading these short quips to get some inspiration.
- Some people say their wedding was the best day of their lives. I guess they’ve never had two candy bars fall out of the vending machine simultaneously.
- Wife (in front of the mirror): “I feel ugly. Compliment me to make me feel better.”
Husband: “Your vision is absolutely perfect.”
- Single guys often dream about having a smart, beautiful, caring wife. So do most married men.
- My wife asked for her Chapstick, but I accidentally handed her the glue stick. She is not talking to me yet.
- Being married to my wife is the best feeling ever because she is the only person who loves to steal my hoodies and blankets from me, leaving me cold.
- How are marriages like fat people? Most of them don’t work out.
- Two spiders got married today, right here. I also heard that they had met each other on the web.
- I’ve spent five years searching for my husband’s killer. Still can’t find anyone to do it.
- “Honey, I heard the jumper cables are getting divorced. Now ask why?”
“Because they did not have the same spark as before.”
- I have quite poor eyesight in general, so once I asked my husband if I looked fat, he replied that my eyesight had improved apparently.
- A wife once told his husband, “If a ship was sinking and there was only one life vest in the entire ship, I would miss you dearly, honey.”
- Do you know why our society forbids you to get married twice? Because it would be cruel and unjust to go through the same torture twice.
- Potato Man is the perfect husband for any woman. He is cute, funny, and if he looks at any other woman, you can quickly rearrange his face.
- Do you know a common thing a grenade and my wife share? If I remove the ring, the whole house will turn to dust.
- A magician made her husband vanish into thin air. How you may ask? Simple, she asked for the truth.
- The husband wanted space from his wife. The wife told him, join NASA.
- I think I married another person’s soul mate; I wish they’d come and take her away.
- The secret to turning a fox into an elephant is to marry it.
- Men are dumb… and it has been quite clear to me for some time now that I married their President.
- If you want to marry a rich, smart, and beautiful woman—you will end up marrying three times.
- My wife has permitted me to join a biker gang, but my curfew is at 9.
- The main difference between a person’s wife and a battery is that the battery contains a positive side.
- You are giving a reasonable answer for once, this means I have to increase my medicine dosages.
- Before telling my wife about a mistake that I have made, I tend to take both of her hands to hold her, that way, she won’t have anything to hit me with.
- It’s a punishment to love your wife and a sin to love another man’s wife.
- My neighbor and his wife were arguing for the past couple of hours about whether they were fighting or not.
- Congratulating someone on their marriage is like congratulating them on a mistake.
- Love is a lot of chemistry, so if your wife considers you toxic waste, you now know why.
- I saw my wife putting on her sexy underwear this morning. This can only mean one thing.
It’s laundry day.
- My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong, and she agrees with me.
- What’s the best way to love thy neighbor? When her husband’s away on business.
- I had my credit card stolen the other day, but I didn’t bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife.
- What four letter words can still shock the most progressive of today’s brides? Iron, dust, wash, cook and bake.
- Everyone asks me what the secret to a long, happy marriage is. To that, I reply, “I am still figuring out the secret myself.
- Dude: My wife left me for my best friend.
Dude’s buddy: I thought I was your best friend.
Dude: Now he is, obviously.
- Your husband is the only “child” who ends up not moving out after “growing up.”
- I agree this has been quite an emotional day for all of us, so emotional that even the wedding cake is in “tiers.”
- There is only a teeny-tiny difference between marriage and love, where love tends to be blind, marriage is certainly the eye-opener that everyone requires.
- How did the Queen Bee end up getting married? The answer is simple, she ended up finding her honey.
- Women get married to men because they believe they can change someday, but men get married to women because they think they will never change. The coincidence lies in the fact that they are both wrong.
- Yesterday I asked my husband where he wants to go for our upcoming anniversary. To which he replies, “Somewhere new, somewhere where I haven’t yet been.” I told him, “Well then, how about going to the kitchen?”
- Christmas was around the corner, so I had to ask my wife what she wanted. She then told me that nothing in this world would make her happier than a pair of diamond earrings. So, I got her nothing.
- If marriage is an institution and love is blind, then is love marriage similar to going to a blind institution?
- A wife saw her husband standing on a weight scale. He sucked up his stomach to look down. The wife exclaimed, “Ha ha, that’s never going to help.” The husband said, “Of course, it does, this way, I can see what is on the scale.”
- A man broke out of prison after five long years, and he finally goes back home all exhausted and filthy, his wife asks, “Oh no, darling where have you been all this time? You escaped seven hours ago!”
- I told my husband we needed to childproof our house, but he complained that they were still able to get inside.
- My wife told me she would leave if I kept acting like a flamingo. It was time for me to put my foot down.
- Whenever my wife says I don’t listen to her, I resist the urge to tell her that’s a weird way to start a conversation.
- In the telephone directory of life, my wife found me under “Bent, damaged and reduced for quick clearance.”
- I congratulated my lawyer for my favorable divorce settlement until I received his bill.
- My wife said that Happiness starts right after the marriage ends.
- I borrowed money from my wife to buy her a surprise gift. Yet, she ended up furious. I wonder if the problem was I used her credit card to do so.
- My wife asked me to get something she could wear for a dinner invitation. When I introduced her to the kitchen apron and gloves, I realized I fed the fuel to the fire.
- Marriage is an amazing invention but then again, so was the office chair and wood-sticking post-it notes. Each of them can make your back ache sometimes.
- My wife would annoy me every day while trying to fix me but gave up after understanding so quickly even the quickest algorithm changer Google couldn’t manage this.
- When I say yes, my wife disagrees. The moment I start disagreeing, she says I am always so negative.
- Wine does not have any solutions to problems. Neither do husbands. At least wine often helps the wives to ignore them temporarily.
- My wife believes that my “inability to remember important dates” and “serious argument about choosing the next vacation destination” are merely signs of decreasing mental stability. I told her that I was functioning exactly as planned.
- Nothing scares me more than hearing what I said when I blacked out. Thankfully, my wife keeps a record and makes sure to embarrass me every single time.
- My therapist asked why I cite my wife for all of my anxieties. I said, being around someone perfect should make you feel insecure.
- “Your song just ruins the vibe”, proved my wife clearing all my favorite playlists. She feels “tearing papers” sounds better than metal.
- Today, we were fighting over control — the television remote control. It looks like my wife would feel better about losing if it was the control of something insignificant, like the entire country.
- Sometimes I think my wife and I speak different languages. For example, when she said she needed ‘more space’, she was referring to the aesthetics of our living room instead of our relationship.
- Our wedding took ‘love is in the air’ to a whole new level — we are married and we fight on almost all airlines now.
- Am I the only one whose WiFi connection is better than the connection with his wife?
- My boat must be very lucky. Do you know why? Every time my wife sets foot on it, she tells me she feels an immense desire to push me into the sea.
- They say when two people have been together so long, they start to look alike. I told my wife, “Hey, maybe we’ll finally have a beautiful daughter!”
- My wife’s cooking grabbed maximum comments on social media. Sadly, the caption was – “Can anyone tell me what this is?”
- Naming my start-up was easier than confiding in my wife about why it is named after our divorce agreement
- The best ‘out-of-office’ reply I ever received was a farewell note left by my wife this morning.
- What’s marvelous enough in marriage, you ask? Even after a 48-hour cold war, there’s a moment of reconciliation—over missing Netflix episodes.
- Just when most people say “happy wife, happy life”, my wife insists it should be ”happy spouse, peaceful house”.
- My wife is thrilled about me going on a fishing trip tomorrow. She catches onto the tiniest reason to enjoy having the entire house to herself.
- I asked my wife if she would stand with me through thick and thin. She responded, “Yes of course, but do remember I prefer you thin.”
- According to my wife, there are only two times when I listen to her – once while asleep and the other while pretending to sleep.
- To be fair in a fight, I matched my wife’s level of hostility via crying. As someone once said, in marital life, we often have to fight fire with water.
- My wife often accuses me of falling asleep on the couch when she’s talking to me, but in my defense, it’s way more comfortable than feigning interest.
- My theory is headache teases only the brain, but marriage, it can really create havoc in the heart.
- Some friends asked me the secret of a happy marriage, and I always answer, “Solving marital disputes is no different than gardening – nourishing flowers demands patience and a lot of crap.”
- I love to play hide and seek with my wife. She not only tries to find me but always tries to improve my hiding spot by suggesting relocating to the store downstairs.
- Pleasant marriages are like quilts—sometimes almost melting with warmth, at other times being as frigid as walking barefooted on tiles during winter.
- The other day, my wife screamed, “Help! I can’t breathe in the room filled with your sarcasm!”
- My spouse called me immature, but when I repaid her by pressing the “Who asked?” button, her eagerness for a mature chat fizzled out.
- My wife claims she’s a better driver, but her skill of not following anything – not even Google Maps directions, starkly contradicts that.
- A motive to debate hardly decreases after marriage—at least now I have prophecy engraved words in my brain such as, ‘I told you so’, and ‘Listen next time’, voiced by my wife. Unfortunately, we are exactly alike – always mimicking to level each other’s labels on madness and stubbornness.
- Marriage is not just a spiritual communion, it is also about remembering to take out the trash.
- I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
- If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.
- The man normally wears the pants in a relationship, but the woman controls the zipper.
- What’s the secret of a successful marriage? Still trying to figure out what works, other than saying ‘Yes, dear.’
- What’s the best way to remember your wife’s birthday? Forget it once.
Marriage is a serious affair, but adding some laughter will make the journey memorable and joyous. So, pick the best sayings from our list of marriage jokes for the wedding ceremony and create an impression on your loved ones. You can also add a few one-liners on your anniversary card to keep your life’s greatest adventure (marriage) light and playful.
Laugh out loud with the best marriage jokes ever in the following video! Get ready for some hilarious jokes about marriage that will have you in stitches!
Infographic: 10 Marriage Jokes For A Funny Toast
Marriage jokes add laughter and humor to the happy environment of the wedding day. They are playful and light-hearted and cheer up the wedding ceremony or reception. Take a look at the infographic below if you are a best man or maid of honor looking to add a touch of humor and get everyone cracking up with your wedding speech. Keep scrolling!
Marriage as an institution itself is not a joke. Two people need to put in a serious effort to maintain it. However, adding laughter to the mix will make the ride joyous and memorable. If you were looking for marriage jokes for a wedding party, pick some from this list to enjoy a good time with the couple and the guests. Even if there is no upcoming celebration, you can still share these hilarious jokes with your spouse and married friends. Laughter is meant to be shared, after all!
Frequently Asked Questions
What makes marriage jokes so popular among people?
They are popular because people relate to such matrimonial jokes and wedding humor to lighten up their complicated issues.
How do marriage jokes reflect the reality of married life?
Marriage jokes consist of common issues between spouses and reflect the day-to-day back and forth between couples, which reflects the reality of married life.
Why do some marriage jokes have a touch of sarcasm and irony?
The irony and sarcasm of marriage jokes are that they are not made up; they depict what the couple actually feels and goes through daily.
What are some common themes in marriage jokes that always make people laugh?
The most common themes are about men being restricted in marriage and commenting on their partners’ daily behaviors, sleep patterns, cooking, the decor of the house, and more.
Can marriage jokes be used to lighten the mood in a relationship, or are they just harmless fun?
If the jokes are not meant to offend the other partner, they can be used to lighten the mood, but if the joke has an underlying derogatory sense, it can cause tension between the couple.
Why do some marriage jokes focus on the differences between men and women?
Marriage jokes focus on gender differences because there are gender differences when two opposites live together, which leads to ironic couple jokes or husband and wife jokes.
How can marriage jokes help couples bond and strengthen their relationship?
Yes, non-offending jokes can be a good thing to lighten the tension or mood in the relationship, and instead of picking on each other, the couples can laugh about the situation and embrace the differences between them.
What is the fine line between a joke and an insult in the context of marriage?
One can cross the line from a joke to an insult when one comments on someone’s insecurity or personal issues. like weight, appearance, certain mental or physical issues, and even financial and work-related situations.