Are you a best man, maid of honor, or master of ceremonies? If yes, a marriage speech with levity will help you kick-start the ceremony. Marriage jokes are all about laughing on others, together, and at oneself, at the marriage ceremony. They add cheerfulness and charm to the wedding party or reception. These jokes are light-hearted and meant to be playful. Check out our list of the best rib-tickling marriage jokes that you can relate to. Read on.
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Funny Marriage Jokes
- Marriage is like going to a restaurant. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
- Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time!
- What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
- My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.
- Wife renewed me for another season.
- Just asked my wife what she’s “burning up for dinner” and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.
- The groom is the kind of guy you don’t have to worry about introducing your parents to. That’s why (Bride) didn’t worry about introducing (Groom) to hers until today.
- Wife: “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?” Husband: “How can I? I don’t even know her.”
- Marriage is like deleting all the apps on your phone except one.
- I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.
- At every party, there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
- Any husband who says, ‘My wife and I are completely equal partners’, is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
- A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.
- Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
- At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”
- My husband cooks for me like I’m a god – by placing burnt offerings before me every night.
- My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic.
- When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie. She meant goals.
- My wife made me a green hamburger today to celebrate St Patrick’s Day. I asked her how she colored it and she said she didn’t know what I was talking about.
- Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
- When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
- Of course, the groom has always been incredibly image conscious, but this morning was particularly bad – he spent three hours in the bathroom! To get an idea of what that’s like, why not agree to make a wedding speech?
- Marriage is full of surprises but it’s mostly just asking each other, “Do you have to do that right now?”
- Do you know why the king of hearts married the Queen of hearts? They were perfectly suited for each other.
- Whenever my wife packs me a salad for lunch all I wanna know is what I did wrong.
- The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are “I apologize” and “You are right.”
- On my wedding day, my mom told my bride, “No refunds, no exchanges on sale items.”
- My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I’d start lying to my wife..
- Husband: “Why do you keep reading our marriage license?”
Wife: “I’m looking for an expiration date.”
- What are a married man’s two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
Well, marriage is not a joke, but it can feel hilarious sometimes. Marriage is about the highs and lows, the sad and the happy. Therefore, it requires a good dose of laughter for marriage to survive. So, share these dirty jokes about love and marriage with your friends or partner and make the world go around.
Dirty Marriage Jokes
- What do wives and hurricanes have in common? On arrival, they’re wet and wild. When they leave, they take the house and car with them.
- How is a wife like bacon? They both look, smell, and taste amazing. They also both slowly kill you.
- What’s the difference between “incomplete” and “finished”? A man without a wife feels incomplete. Once married, he’s finished.
- I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm.
She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.
- What’s the difference between a relationship and a video game?
They both start off fun and easy, then get a litter harder. If you make it to the end without breaking, everyone is shocked.
- Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands? Because they always have to repeat themselves.
- What do a wife and a grenade have in common? They both leave you hurt when you pull off the ring.
- Wife: Let’s go out and have fun tonight!
Husband: Okay but, if you get back before me, leave the light on.
- What’s the difference between a bride-to-be and groom-to-be? A bride-to-be wants a shower. A groom-to-be wants to get as dirty as possible before his Big Day.
- Why didn’t the man speak to his wife for years on end? She told him never to interrupt.
- What’s the secret to a happy marriage? Find a woman who can cook and clean. A woman who’s an animal in bed. A woman with lots of money. Make sure these three women never meet.
- Wife: “I love you.” Husband: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
- After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
- A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!” The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.” The trucker replies, “Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick.”
- I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married they send over a lady in a housecoat and curlers to burn my toast for me.
- The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
- My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we argued serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
- An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed, but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ”Why are you going to sleep on the floor?” The old woman says, “Because I want to feel something hard for a change.”
- It was a perfect marriage. She didn’t want to, and he couldn’t.
- How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals.”
- Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
A: Santa stops after three hos.
- A man inserted an ad’ in the classified: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
- How do most men define a wedding? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
- What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
- Wife: Why are you home so early? Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.
- Q: What kind of institution is marriage?
A: One where a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
- Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first, it’s a perfect fit, but after a while, you need alterations.
- How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays, it is almost impossible!
- The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
- Marriage is what kind of sport? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license!
- The boss says to his worker: “Marcus, I know that your salary is not enough to get married … but you must believe me that one day you will thank me.”
Keep reading for some witty, naughty, and relatable adult marriage jokes your wife and peers will love. You will chuckle, laugh, and giggle while building a life together with the jokes listed below.
Marriage Jokes For Adults
- Wife: “How would you describe me?”
Wife: “What does that mean?”
Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”
Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”
Husband: “I’m just kidding!”
- Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
- A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five-year-old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old.” “Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five-year-old ass?” She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation.”
- Wife: “In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring.”
Husband: “I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill.”
- Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?
- I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes – about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
- A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
- Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
- A married couple are out one night at a dance club. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.” The husband says, “Looks like he’s still celebrating!”
- One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “And you can do anything you want.” So he tied her up and went golfing.
- A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, “I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why do you want to talk to me?” she asked puzzled. “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.
- If a wife is laughing at her husband’s jokes, it means they have guests.
- A husband asks his wife, “Will you marry after I die?” The wife responds, “No, I will live with my sister.” The wife asks him back, “Will you marry after I die?” The husband responds, “No, I will also live with your sister.”
- My wife’s an Earth sign. I’m a Water sign. Together we make mud!
- A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, “It’s my husband, you have to leave!” The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, “Wait, I’m your husband!” She replies giving him a dirty look, “So why did you run?”
- In my house I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.
- The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.
- A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. “Mother of six,” he would say, “what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!” She gets very frustrated. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, “Mother of six, I think it’s time to go!” The wife immediately shouts back, “I’ll be right with you, father of four!”
- A man goes to see a wizard and says, “Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?” “Maybe,” says the wizard, “Can you remember the exact words of the curse?” The man replies, “I pronounce you man and wife.”
- If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
Marriage will give you lots to laugh about with (sometimes without) your partner. The following sections list short, one-liner marriage jokes that sum up the entire marriage game. Scroll down to explore LOL-worthy, hilarious jokes about ‘marital bliss’ and get everyone on the floors laughing like crazy.
One-Liner Marriage Jokes
- A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
- My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
- Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Marriage is a three-ring circus. First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
- My wife is a light eater … as soon as it’s light, she starts to eat.
- A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
- Husbands are like fires, they go out when unattended.
- I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
- I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know.
- We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
- A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- I just saw two nuclear technicians getting married. The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
- What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newly-webs.
- Did you hear about the two bed bugs that were lovers? They got married in the spring.
- Marriages are made in heaven. Then again, so are thunder, lightning, tornadoes, and hail.
- Today’s wedding is a love match, pure as simple. She’s pure, and he’s simple.
- My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
- Why did the moth stick to the bride’s face? Because she was glowing.
- Did you hear about the newlyweds who stayed up all night waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
- The bride looks absolutely stunning, and the groom looks absolutely stunned!
- Only after getting married you realize that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.
Short Marriage Jokes
- Some people say their wedding was the best day of their lives. I guess they’ve never had two candy bars fall out of the vending machine simultaneously.
- Wife (in front of the mirror): “I feel ugly. Compliment me to make me feel better.”
Husband: “Your vision is absolutely perfect.”
- Single guys often dream about having a smart, beautiful, caring wife. So do most married men.
- My wife asked for her Chapstick, but I accidentally handed her the glue stick. She is not talking to me yet.
- Being married to my wife is the best feeling ever because she is the only person who loves to steal my hoodies and blankets from me, leaving me cold.
- How are marriages like fat people? Most of them don’t work out.
- Two spiders got married today, right here. I also heard that they had met each other on the web.
- I’ve spent five years searching for my husband’s killer. Still can’t find anyone to do it.
- “Honey, I heard the jumper cables are getting divorced. Now ask why?”
“Because they did not have the same spark as before.”
- I have quite poor eyesight in general, so once I asked my husband if I looked fat, he replied that my eyesight had improved apparently.
- A wife once told his husband, “If a ship was sinking and there was only one life vest in the entire ship, I would miss you dearly, honey.”
- Do you know why our society forbids you to get married twice? Because it would be cruel and unjust to go through the same torture twice.
- Potato Man is the perfect husband for any woman. He is cute, funny, and if he looks at any other woman, you can quickly rearrange his face.
- Do you know a common thing a grenade and my wife share? If I remove the ring, the whole house will turn to dust.
- A magician made her husband vanish into thin air. How you may ask? Simple, she asked for the truth.
- The husband wanted space from his wife. The wife told him, join NASA.
- I think I married another person’s soul mate; I wish they’d come and take her away.
- The secret to turning a fox into an elephant is to marry it.
- Men are dumb… and it has been quite clear to me for some time now that I married their President.
- If you want to marry a rich, smart, and beautiful woman—you will end up marrying three times.
- My wife has permitted me to join a biker gang, but my curfew is at 9.
- The main difference between a person’s wife and a battery is that the battery contains a positive side.
- You are giving a reasonable answer for once, this means I have to increase my medicine dosages.
- Before telling my wife about a mistake that I have made, I tend to take both of her hands to hold her, that way, she won’t have anything to hit me with.
- It’s a punishment to love your wife and a sin to love another man’s wife.
- My neighbor and his wife were arguing for the past couple of hours about whether they were fighting or not.
- Congratulating someone on their marriage is like congratulating them on a mistake.
- Love is a lot of chemistry, so if your wife considers you toxic waste, you now know why.
- I saw my wife putting on her sexy underwear this morning. This can only mean one thing.
It’s laundry day.
- My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong, and she agrees with me.
- What’s the best way to love thy neighbor? When her husband’s away on business.
- I had my credit card stolen the other day, but I didn’t bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife.
- What four letter words can still shock the most progressive of today’s brides? Iron, dust, wash, cook and bake.
- Everyone asks me what the secret to a long, happy marriage is. To that, I reply, “I am still figuring out the secret myself.
- Dude: My wife left me for my best friend.
Dude’s buddy: I thought I was your best friend.
Dude: Now he is, obviously.
- Your husband is the only “child” who ends up not moving out after “growing up.”
- I agree this has been quite an emotional day for all of us, so emotional that even the wedding cake is in “tiers.”
- There is only a teeny tiny difference between marriage and love, where love tends to be blind, marriage is certainly the eye-opener that everyone requires.
- How did the Queen Bee end up getting married? The answer is simple, she ended up finding her honey.
- Women get married to men because they believe they can change someday, but men get married to women because they think they will never change. The coincidence lies in the fact that they are both wrong.
- Yesterday I asked my husband where he wants to go for our upcoming anniversary. To which he replies, “Somewhere new, somewhere where I haven’t yet been.” I told him, “Well then, how about going to the kitchen?”
- Christmas was around the corner, so I had to ask my wife what she wanted. She then told me that nothing in this world would make her happier than a pair of diamond earrings. So, I got her nothing.
- If marriage is an institution and love is blind, then is love marriage similar to going to a blind institution?
- A wife saw her husband standing on a weight scale. He sucked up his stomach to look down. The wife exclaimed, “Ha ha, that’s never going to help.” The husband said, “of course it does, this way, I can see what is on the scale.”
- A man broke out of the prison after five long years, and he finally goes back home all exhausted and filthy, his wife asks, “Oh no, darling where have you been all this time? You had escaped seven hours ago!”
Marriage is a serious affair, but adding some laughter will make the journey memorable and joyous. So, pick the best sayings from our list of marriage jokes for the wedding ceremony and create an impression on your loved ones. You can also add a few one-liners on your anniversary card to keep your life’s greatest adventure (marriage) light and playful.
Marriage as an institution itself is not a joke. Two people need to put in serious efforts to maintain it. However, adding laughter to the mix will make the ride joyous and memorable. If you were looking for marriage jokes for a wedding party, pick some from this list to enjoy a good time with the couple and the guests. Even if there is no upcoming celebration, you can still share these hilarious jokes with your spouse and married friends. Laughter is meant to be shared, after all!
- 77 Beautiful Quotes About Marriage
- 7 Secrets For A Happy And Successful Marriage
- 36 Ways To Show Your Husband That You Love Him
- Everything You Need To Know About Promise Rings