“We met for one of two reasons. Either you’re a blessing or a lesson.” – Unknown
Breakups are the emotional equivalent of a storm – they leave you breathless and hurt. In the aftermath, we often find ourselves running through every aspect of the relationship and wondering what exactly went wrong.
We ponder on how we would talk to our ex should we run into them while getting a regular cup of coffee. This is more likely to happen if you work in the same company as your ex, have similar hang out spots, or have common friends.
Instead of being confused or blubbering like amaniac, prepare yourself and make this a learning moment. Sit down and clear the air with your ex once and for all. Here are some questions you can ask your ex and yourself!
Table Of Contents
Things To Keep In Mind
Figure out your motive! You need to figure out why you want to talk to your ex. Maybe you just bumped into them and decided to have a cup of coffee together. Or maybe you called them to meet specifically. Either way, be sure you know the exact reason you want to talk to them and ask them questions. There may be a lot of issues from your past relationship that may resurface. If you are unprepared, you only may feel shorthanded, hurt, angry, or bitter.
- Forgiveness: Either of you may have done something to mess up the relationship. But if forgiveness is the aim of your conversation, remember not to dredge up the past. Don’t argue about things that happened. It may cause conflict instead of reparation. Acknowledge and apologize for your mistakes. Don’t get into a conversation with your ex expecting them to apologize. Do not accuse them or force them into a conversation about their misgivings. Do not use abusive words to anger or hurt them. In order to receive or give forgiveness, you need to let things go. It is important to be mature.
- Closure: Sometimes relationships end abruptly and talking to your ex might give you the closure you need. However, you cannot attain closure by being aggressive or hurtful towards your ex. You have to be mature and accept their side of the story. Also, finding closure may take time even after talking to your ex. Do not force them into a conversation with you. Instead, think about what they have already told you and make an effort to move on.
- Reconcile: If you want to reconcile with your partner, you need to make sure they are on the same page as you. You both need to be willing to work at your relationship and mend the areas that need fixing. If both of you are not on the same page, this could lead to another breakup. You have to discuss openly what went wrong in the relationship.
You must be sure about why you are meeting your ex-partner. Here are a few questions to ask yourself first.
Questions To Ask Yourself
- What was the reason for breaking up with your ex?
- Why do you want to talk to them now?
- Has enough time passed that you are healed from the past relationship?
- Do you want to get back with them?
- Why do you want to get back with them?
- How much have you changed mentally and emotionally since you last saw them?
- Can you really let go of the past to begin a new relationship with your ex?
- Are you angry or bitter towards them?
- Has enough time passed since you broke up?
- Can you honestly start a new relationship with your ex, leaving the past behind?
- Have you (or they) resolved your past arguments?
- What do your close friends and family think about this?
- Did your friends or family influence the relationship?
- Can you genuinely make compromises in this new relationship without remembering the past?
- Do you genuinely feel your ex has changed?
- If the relationship ended because you cheated, ask yourself what motivated you to cheat? Why couldn’t you speak to your ex instead?
- What did you learn from the relationship?
- What was your best and worst memory of the relationship?
- Do you want to stay friends?
- Are you happy where you are right now?
- Is it really necessary to have this discussion with your ex?
- What do you expect to learn from this conversation with your ex?
When meeting your ex, it is important to listen to what they say. Take them for their word. Here are some questions you can ask to get them to open up to you and speak their mind.
Questions To Ask Your Ex After A Breakup
- Did they really love you?
- Do you feel that they are also willing to compromise to make the relationship work?
- From their perspective, what went wrong?
- Do they think about you? If so, how? (good or bad)
- What did they like about you first?
- What worked in the relationship, according to them?
- What were the problems in the relationship, according to them?
- Why did they feel the need to cheat? (if the relationship ended because your partner cheated)
- How have they changed since the last time you saw them?
- Do they feel there was something irrelevant that you both argued about? What was it?
- What was lacking in the relationship (or you)?
- Did they feel understood by you?
- Do they think of a future with you?
- What did they learn from the relationship?
- What do their friends and family think about you?
- What would their friends and family say if you got back together?
- Have they been seeing someone after the breakup?
- Do they feel they have changed? If so, how?
- What would they do differently if you both got back together?
- What has changed in their life and how would that factor into the relationship?
- Have any of their future career or general plans changed?
- Is there anything they would like you to know? Or is there anything they would like to clear the air about?
- What was their favorite memory of the relationship?
- What was their worst memory of the relationship?
The Right Questions To Ask Your Ex If You Want To Get Back Together
- Do they want to get back together?
- Do they still have feelings for you?
- Have their feelings matured in any way?
- What do they think can be done differently to improve the relationship?
- Is there anything they would have done differently in the past relationship?
- How much have they changed, and how do they feel you have changed?
- Do they feel both of you are at a similar maturity level (emotionally and mentally) to make this work?
- What do they feel you should change or work on?
- What is the type of relationship they want?
- Are they any boundaries that you and they need to have?
- How good were you both in bed? What would you change about that?
- How good were you both at discussing personal problems with each other?
- Did any of your family members influence the relationship?
- Are they willing to work on the relationship? Would they agree to go for counselling, if required?
- What are they looking for in an ideal partner? And do you match up to their expectations?
The Right Questions To Ask Your Ex For Closure
If Your Partner Cheated
- What motivated them to cheat?
- Why couldn’t they have spoken to you, if they felt you were lacking in any way?
- Did they feel you were not receptive to their feelings?
- What have they learnt since the breakup that they would do differently?
- Was there something they felt you shouldn’t have done that might have messed up the relationship?
If They Moved On
- When did they realize that they moved on?
- Was there something that affected the change in their feelings?
- Was the relationship too stagnant?
- If they could tell you one thing about the relationship, what would it be?
- Is there anything they took away from the relationship?
- Was there any way they could have worked on their feelings?
- Would they have considered counselling?
General Questions To Ask For Closure
- What do they appreciate the most about the relationship?
- How did they cope with the breakup?
- What are some of the things in the relationship they wish they could erase?
- Is there anything they would want to discuss with you?
- Do you both want to stay connected as friends?
- What did they feel was the breaking point or argument?
- Are they happy where they are?
Conversations with exes can be tricky. There are some topics you should consider avoiding while speaking to your ex.
What To Avoid When Speaking To Your Ex
- Don’t be aggressive. Avoid being verbally, physically, emotionally, or mentally abusive towards your partner. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, you might feel angry or hurt and become aggressive. This does not and cannot help your relationship with your ex. It is just going to ruin any connection you have left.
- If your partner has cheated or broken your heart in some way, avoid constantly accusing them of hurting you. This will affect any chance of closure. Just take what they say, and move on. Decide if you want to work on the relationship or let it go. If you want to work on the relationship ask yourself if you can really let go of how they hurt you. If you cannot, chances are high that it will impact your relationship with your ex.
- If they want to move on but you still have feelings for them, do not force them into conversations or meetings they are not comfortable with. While it may hurt you, understand that things are different for them. Just accept it and it will be easier for you to move on.
- Once you and your ex have finished speaking and decided to go your own way, do not try to spread rumors about them. Be mature, achieve closure, and move on to a better relationship.
In the end, not all relationships work out. Whether you want to get back together with your ex, move on, or just hash out the gory details, take this as a learning opportunity. Keep in mind that while you may feel a certain way, your ex might not feel the same way. So, while conversing, try to be as honest and cordial as possible. Do not try to accuse or become aggressive. Whatever happens, try ending the conversation on a friendly note.