91 Questions To Ask Your Ex-Boyfriend Or Ex-Girlfriend

Pose these questions to your past flame to understand what went wrong in your relationship.

Reviewed by Darrell Reese, MS, LMFT-A Darrell Reese Darrell ReeseMS, LMFT-A insta_icon
Written by , Integrated MA, Certified Relationship Coach Sneha Tete Integrated MA, Certified Relationship Coach linkedin_icon Experience: 4 years
Edited by , MA (English) Asmita De MA (English) linkedin_icon Experience: 3 years
Last Updated on

Breakups are emotionally equal to a storm; they just leave you choking and hurt. After the breakup, you think about every aspect and wonder what went wrong then. You might feel there are some questions to ask your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend.

People meet you for two reasons. They are either a blessing or a lesson by the unknown. You may contemplate ways to talk to your ex and whether your should talk while having a regular cup of coffee or over lunch. It often happens when you both work on the same campus or hang out in regular spots and have common friends.

Instead of struggling with yourself and being confused, get yourself prepared and take this as a learning chance. Clear the air with your ex once and for all by having an open conversation. We have listed some questions you can ask your ex and yourself. Scroll down!

Things To Keep In Mind

Figure out your motive! You need to figure out why you want to talk to your ex. Maybe you just bumped into them and decided to have a cup of coffee together. Or maybe you called them to meet specifically. Either way, be sure you know the exact reason you want to talk to them and ask them questions. There may be a lot of issues from your past relationship that may resurface. If you are unprepared, you only may feel shorthanded, hurt, angry, or bitter.

  1. Forgiveness: Either of you may have done something to mess up the relationship. But if forgiveness is the aim of your conversation, remember not to dredge up the past. Don’t argue about things that happened. It may cause conflict instead of reparation. Acknowledge and apologize for your mistakes. Don’t get into a conversation with your ex expecting them to apologize. Do not accuse them of trust issues or force them into a conversation about their misgivings. Do not use abusive words to anger or hurt them. In order to receive or give forgiveness, you need to let things go. It is important to be mature.
  1. Closure: Sometimes relationships end abruptly and talking to your ex might give you the closure you need. However, you cannot attain closure by being aggressive or hurtful towards your ex. You have to be mature and accept their side of the story. Also, finding closure may take time even after talking to your ex. Do not force them into a conversation with you. Instead, think about what they have already told you and make an effort to move on.
  1. Reconcile: If you want to reconcile with your partner, you need to make sure they are on the same page as you. You both need to be willing to work at your relationship and mend the areas that need fixing. If both of you are not on the same page, this could lead to another breakup. You have to discuss openly what went wrong in the relationship.

protip_icon Quick Tip
You can bring a friend along if you feel awkward meeting your ex alone. They can ensure that interactions with your ex remain amicable and casual, as well as provide you with a reason to leave early.

You must be sure about why you are meeting your ex-partner. Here are a few questions to ask yourself first.

Questions To Ask Yourself

Questions to ask yourself first
Image: Shutterstock
  1. Are there any unresolved feelings that you need to work through with a therapist?
  2. What was the reason for breaking up with your ex?
  3. Why do you want to talk to them now?
  4. Has enough time passed that you are healed from the past relationship?
  5. Do you want to get back with them?
  6. Why do you want to get back with them?
  7. How much have you changed mentally and emotionally since you last saw them?
  8. Can you really let go of the past to begin a new relationship with your ex?
  9. Are you angry or bitter towards them?
  10. Has enough time passed since you broke up?
  11. Can you honestly start a new relationship with your ex, leaving the past behind?
  12. Have you (or they) resolved your past arguments?
  13. What do your close friends and family think about this?
  14. Did your friends or family influence the relationship?
  15. Can you genuinely make compromises in this new relationship without remembering the past?
  16. Do you genuinely feel your ex has changed?
  17. If the relationship ended because you cheated, ask yourself what motivated you to cheat? Why couldn’t you speak to your ex instead?
  18. What did you learn from the relationship?
  19. What was your best and worst memory of the relationship?
  20. Do you want to stay friends?
  21. Are you happy where you are right now?
  22. Is it really necessary to have this discussion with your ex?
  23. What do you expect to learn from this conversation with your ex?

When meeting your ex, it is important to listen to what they say. Take them for their word. It is important to keep your communication skills amped up for better conveyance. Here are some questions you can ask to get them to open up to you and speak their mind.

Questions To Ask Your Ex After A Breakup

Questions to ask your ex boyrfriend or girlfriend after a breakup
Image: Shutterstock
  1. Have they had any significant realizations since you both parted ways?
  2. Did they really love you?
  3. Do you feel that they are also willing to compromise to make the relationship work?
  4. From their perspective, what went wrong?
  5. Do they think about you? If so, how? (good or bad)
  6. What did they like about you first?
  7. What worked in the relationship, according to them?
  8. What were the problems in the relationship, according to them?
  9. Is there a trait of yours that they liked at the beginning of the relationship but grew to dislike overtime?
  10. How have they changed since the last time you saw them?
  11. Do they feel there was something irrelevant that you both argued about? What was it?
  12. What was lacking in the relationship (or you)?
  13. Did they feel understood by you?
  14. Do they think of a future with you?
  15. What did they learn from the relationship?
  16. What do their friends and family think about you?
  17. What would their friends and family say if you got back together?
  18. Have they been seeing someone after the breakup?
  19. Do they feel they have changed? If so, how?
  20. What would they do differently if you both got back together?
  21. What has changed in their life and how would that factor into the relationship?
  22. Have any of their future career or general plans changed?
  23. Is there anything they would like you to know? Or is there anything they would like to clear the air about?
  24. What was their favorite memory of the relationship?
  25. What was their worst memory of the relationship?

The Right Questions To Ask Your Ex If You Want To Get Back Together

Woman asking questions to her ex in order to get back together.
Image: Shutterstock
  1. Are they ready to address the unresolved conflicts from your past relationship?
  2. Do they want to get back together?
  3. Do they still have feelings for you?
  4. Have their feelings matured in any way?
  5. What do they think can be done differently to improve the relationship?
  6. Is there anything they would have done differently in the past relationship?
  7. How much have they changed, and how do they feel you have changed?
  8. Do they feel both of you are at a similar maturity level (emotionally and mentally) to make this work?
  9. What do they feel you should change or work on?
  10. What is the type of relationship they want?
  11. Are they any boundaries that you and they need to have?
  12. How good were you both in bed? What would you change about that?
  13. How good were you both at discussing personal problems with each other?
  14. Did any of your family members influence the relationship?
  15. Are they willing to work on the relationship? Would they agree to go for counseling, if required?
  16. What are they looking for in an ideal partner? And do you match up to their expectations?

The Right Questions To Ask Your Ex For Closure

The right questions to ask your ex boyrfriend or girlfriend to get some closure
Image: Shutterstock

If Your Partner Cheated

  1. What motivated them to cheat?
  2. Why couldn’t they have spoken to you, if they felt you were lacking in any way?
  3. Did they feel you were not receptive to their feelings?
  4. What have they learnt since the breakup that they would do differently?
  5. Was there something they felt you shouldn’t have done that might have messed up the relationship?

If They Moved On

  1. When did they realize that they moved on?
  2. Was there something that affected the change in their feelings?
  3. Was the relationship too stagnant?
  4. If they could tell you one thing about the relationship, what would it be?
  5. Is there anything they took away from the relationship?
  6. Was there any way they could have worked on their feelings?
  7. Would they have considered counseling?

General Questions To Ask For Closure

  1. What do they appreciate the most about the relationship?
  2. How did they deal with the breakup recovery?
  3. What are some of the things in the relationship they wish they could erase?
  4. Is there anything they would want to discuss with you?
  5. Do you both want to stay connected as friends?
  6. What did they feel was the breaking point or argument?
  7. Are they happy where they are?

Deep Questions To Ask Your Ex-boyfriend

  1. How have their feelings towards you evolved since the breakup?
  2. Are there any specific moments or memories from your time together that stand out to them?
  3. What were the strengths and weaknesses of your connection?
  4. Have their life priorities shifted since you were together?
  5. Do they think that there are any unaddressed misunderstandings or unresolved issues?
  6. Have they considered or pursued any personal goals or interests that they did not while you were together?
  7. Have they forgiven themselves for any mistakes made during your relationship?
  8. Has there been something they have discovered about relationships in general that surprised them since the breakup?

Conversations with exes can be tricky. There are some topics you should consider avoiding while speaking to your ex. 

What To Avoid When Speaking To Your Ex

What to avoid when speaking to your ex boyfriend or girlfriend
Image: Shutterstock
  • Don’t be aggressive. Avoid being verbally, physically, emotionally, or mentally abusive towards your partner. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, you might feel angry or hurt and become aggressive. This does not and cannot help your relationship with your ex. It is just going to ruin any connection you have left.
  • If your partner has cheated or broken your heart in some way, avoid constantly accusing them of hurting you. This will affect any chance of closure. Just take what they say, and move on. Decide if you want to work on the relationship or let it go. If you want to work on the relationship ask yourself if you can really let go of how they hurt you. If you cannot, chances are high that it will impact your relationship with your ex.
  • If they want to move on but you still have feelings for them, do not force them into conversations or meetings they are not comfortable with. While it may hurt you, understand that things are different for them. Just accept it and it will be easier for you to move on.
  • Once you and your ex have finished speaking and decided to go your own way, do not try to spread rumors about them. Be mature, achieve closure, and move on to a better relationship.
protip_icon Quick Tip
Avoid comparing your relationship to your ex with your current relationship. There are no practical justifications for doing this.

Infographic: Dos And Don’ts To Remember When Seeing Your Ex

Meeting up with your ex may not be as simple. Many of the past problems could reappear and may send you both on an emotional roller coaster. However, it is important to treat the other person nicely. We want to help you know what to do and what not to do when you run into your ex. The following infographic should help.

dos and don'ts to remember when seeing your ex (infographic)

Illustration: StyleCraze Design Team

After a breakup, you may be left with certain questions and want to clear the air with your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. However, you have to be clear about whether you want to get back together with them or just want closure. It is also a good idea to ask a few questions before you approach your ex. For instance, you need to know if you are ready to talk about it and if enough time has passed to let you approach them with an objective mindset. Furthermore, you can utilize this opportunity to understand why things might have ended and if there is a chance to get back together. But if you feel that there’s no space left between, moving on would be the best option. If you feel stuck, take some relationship advice from your near ones and focus on your personal growth. Emotional healing might take time but it’s better to opt for positive self-reflection and look forward to a better future!

Frequently Asked Questions

What to say to reconnect with an ex?

While most exes may not be open to reconnecting, there may be a few exceptions. Discussing what went wrong in the past, dropping a short text to enquire about them, and apologizing if you are wrong are a few things you can do to reconnect with your ex.

How do I talk to my ex about getting back together?

Call them if possible and honestly express your thoughts. Do not be desperate. Wait for their reaction. If you feel they also share the same feelings, it is good to meet and discuss getting back together.

How do I ask my ex-girlfriend out?

If you had initiated the breakup, you could be better positioned to ask your ex out. If not, you need to tread carefully. Start by reconnecting over normal text or phone conversations and asking out casually.

What are some deep questions to ask your ex?

It is fine to have a deep conversation with your ex after a breakup. You can ask questions like – “Do you think we could have done some things differently to have had a better relationship?” or “What positive impact did our relationship have on you?”.

How can I make my ex miss me?

Confining strict boundaries and avoiding the temptation to contact is the fundamental rule to make your ex miss you. Do not stalk your ex; instead, spend time reinventing yourself and getting socially active.

Key Takeaways

  • Before meeting your ex, think about the reason behind meeting them.
  • Ask yourself questions to grasp how you feel about your ex and what you want from this conversation.
  • Don’t be afraid to ask your ex hard-hitting questions if they fell short in some way.
  • Asking questions to get closure depends on whether your partner cheated or if they moved on.
questions to ask ex boyfriend girlfriend_illustration

Image: Dall·E/StyleCraze Design Team

Are you ready to make changes to make your relationship work? Watch this video that features six questions that you can ask your ex when they want you back.

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Darrell Reese
Darrell ReeseMS, LMFT-A
Darrell Reese is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate with 20 years of experience. He helps couples rekindle their love and create a loving and happy relationship through Darrell Reese Counseling. He employs various modalities for these sessions, including Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, Narrative Therapy, Collaborative Language Systems, Solution Focused Brief Therapy, and The Gottman Method, to help deal with issues that arise within relationships.

Read full bio of Darrell Reese
Sneha Tete
Sneha TeteBeauty & Lifestyle Writer
Sneha has a master's degree in Applied Linguistics from the University of Hyderabad, a professional Relationship Coach diploma, and over four years of experience in writing. She writes about relationships and lifestyle.Sneha began her career as an instructional designer, shifted to freelance technical and research writing, and self-published a novella on the theme of adolescent mental health.

Read full bio of Sneha Tete
Asmita De
Asmita DeAssociate Editor
Asmita De is an associate editor with over three years of experience. She graduated in English Literature from the University of Calcutta. She has collaborated with several digital companies and reputed publishing houses as an editor.

Read full bio of Asmita De