“Should I Text My Ex?” Answered

Defining your intentions upfront will help you avoid unrealistic expectations.

Reviewed by Joy Nwokoro, Relationship Coach
By Sushmita Barman

Trust us when we say this: “Should I text my ex?” is one of the most common questions people going through their breakup phase ask themselves. Well, the reasons behind wanting to reach out to your ex could be many, but knowing if it is acceptable to text is essential. Because, as you know well, once you slip into your ex’s DM, there’s no coming back. So, before you make this move, let me provide you with that most sought-after guide that will ward off all your doubts surrounding the whole idea of messaging your former partner! Read on to find out.

Why Do We Feel The Urge To Text An Ex?

Lonely woman texting her ex

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Remember we said that the reasons for texting an ex could be many? We are going to have a look at some of those now. The points below will answer your “Should I send my ex a text?” dilemma! So, what are you waiting for? Scroll down and read ahead!

  • To Have A Closure: Having closure is so much more important after you separate from your love interest or, in fact, anyone close to you. Some breakups can be abrupt. No explanation, no contemplation, and no planning. This can leave you with endless questions. “What just went wrong?” or “Can we patch up?” are some of the questions you would constantly trouble yourself with. Seeking answers, you end up texting them.
  • Seeking Comfort: Unable to bear the excruciating pain of losing someone close to you in a breakup ultimately forces you to scour for comfort. Yes, your friends and family will shower you with immense love and support, but at times, all you look for are those “I love you too, bae” messages to calm yourself down. This eventually leads you to question yourself, “Should I send my ex a text?”
  • To Fill The Void: Now, can we ever deny that you miss your ex’s presence, their smile, their romantic gestures, even their annoying jokes? Sure, you want them all back. You want to go out on the perfect adventurous date with them, or just relax on the couch with them, watching Netflix on that carefree Sunday afternoon. You miss them all, and to fill their void, you go ahead and text them, hoping to relive all the good times with them.
Broken-hearted man unable to move on

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  • Unable To Move On: Moving on is a task. A super cumbersome one. No matter how toxic the relationship probably was, not having that person around suddenly is a difficult situation to deal with, beyond the shadow of a doubt. You’re definitely not used to waking up without your ex’s “Rise and shine, beautiful” message in the morning or window shopping without holding their hands. This is when you come across that urge to text them.
  • To Stay Friends: Well, sometimes a romantic relationship might fail, but you can still continue to stay friends with your ex. Of course, it takes some necessary planning and definitely a set of guidelines you both would adhere to. But with all those in place, the friendship between you two has a fair chance of flourishing. Seeking this friendship, you end up messaging that ex of yours.

When Should I Text My Ex?

Bothered by questions like, “How long should I wait to text my ex back?” or “How often should I text my ex?” and so on? Well, to be very honest, deciding on this time clearly depends on what page you both are on at the moment. Texting them because you are unable to move on or because you’re addicted to their presence is not really ideal. You both are going through an intense transition and, therefore, need to accept the breakup and settle down first. Make sure you have no ulterior motives or hold no grudge against your ex before grabbing the cell phone to message them. Post-breakup, both of you need to be on the same page regarding how you want to take things forward. You have got to be strong and not at all vulnerable. Like real mature peeps, you both need to understand that you have a history together, and you are capable of handling the consequences of the breakup before you begin to text each other.

Also, look for certain positive signs – signs of growth, signs of maturity. When you feel that you no longer are going to go all “You said this”, “You said that,” then you are definitely good to go. See if you both are genuinely sorry for hurting each other. Because if not, then even though the first phase of texting might display signs of good bonding, eventually, you both will end up playing that same blame game and then lose touch with each other all over again! Take full responsibility for all the hurtful things you both might have said to each other and promise never to repeat them. Once you both are at a healthy stage in your relationship, rekindling as good friends or acquaintances is possible!

Oh, and if “How often should I text my ex after no contact?” is a question you are finding difficulties in answering, then know that you both should be comfortable with chatting again. Given that you are no longer in a relationship do not hope that you both are going to share that same intimacy that you did as a romantic couple. Things will change now for you. So do not bother your ex with a lot of texts at one go. Maintain the distance and have boundaries. Texting them once in a while with the intent to know how they are doing in their lives is fine.

Do’s & Don’ts Of Reaching Out To An Ex

Man in deep contemplation over texting his ex

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By now, I am sure you have a good idea about all the dos and don’ts of texting an ex. But let me make it easier for you. Below are some of the points you must keep in mind before sending that one first text to the ex after a breakup. These points will further help you to clear your ‘Should I text back my ex?” doubt!

Do’s

  • Make sure you know why you are texting your ex. You need to have an acceptable reason behind trying to text them.
  • Make your intention crystal clear to them while you text them. Let them know that you do not want to cause them any distress; you just want to have a healthy conversation with them.
  • Be respectful. Whatever the reasons behind that chaotic separation, leave them all behind and offer genuine respect to the ex. This is also an answer to your “How should I text my ex?” query.
  • Text them if you both agree with being friends. And if you want to patch up too, make sure you both are perfectly okay with it and have gotten rid of all the grudges you held against each other. Starting afresh is the key!
  • If they are in a relationship with someone else now, make sure you respect their relationship status. You should not come across as someone trying to invade their privacy because now there are definitely other people involved too. Your one message should not be the cause for problems in your ex’s current relationship.
  • And if you are struggling to find answers to your “Should I send an apology text to my ex?” then let us tell you, you have to make sure you are genuinely sorry. If you have been at fault for the separation, know your mistake and apologize.

Don’ts

Do not text your ex if you still hold a grudge against them

Shutterstock

  • Don’t let your impulse push you to text your ex. Will your text hurt your ex more? Will it bring any benefits to you both? Will it help you both move on? When you have the answers to the questions like these, you will know if it is your impulsiveness that is leading you to text your ex, or is it because you just want to be connected to them through a healthy friendship.
  • Don’t text them if they don’t respond to you. Well, you can wait and see if they are ignoring your text on purpose or unable to reply because they are swamped somewhere else. Once you realize that they are not okay with chatting with you, try to refrain from texting them again.
  • Don’t text them because you want to make them feel guilty or miss you. If the separation has happened, then it has happened for a reason. You cannot force someone to want to have you back. If rekindling is on the cards, give it some time. Heal and let your ex heal too. Time will tell if you both should really get back together.
Let some time pass before you text an ex

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So dear folks, I know the breakup has been challenging, and moving on has been more complex. But I am also sure that the aforementioned advice and suggestions will help and will totally answer that “Should I send a text to my ex?” question of yours. You can now stop worrying, for you can take your inspo from this piece and make your moves carefully whenever in doubt. But above anything else, make sure you are happy and healing.

Key Takeaways

  • Often lack of closure can push you to text your ex.
  • It is of utmost importance to have a clear understanding of why you want to text your ex.
  • Be respectful towards your ex while you text them.

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Sushmita has a master’s degree in English literature from Gauhati University, Assam, and is an experienced content writer and editor.... more

Joy Nwokoro

(Relationship Coach)
Joy Nwokoro is a Christian relationship and marriage speaker, counselor, and coach. Although she studied English and Literature at the... more

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