How Self-Reflection Changed Everything I Looked For In A Guy

Disclaimer: As narrated to the author

I always had a thing for the “bad boys”. And it wasn’t as if there was a dearth of the “good guys”. It was just that they couldn’t set my pulse racing as much as the leather-clad, motorbike revving dudes. I would often associate the good guys with words such as “boring”, “momma’s boy”, etc. I am not proud of it, but that was how I would see them earlier. And the more trouble the guy was, the better he seemed to me. I would always find some way to justify his flaws. So what if he cannot find a job, he is adventurous, doesn’t confine himself to societal rules, etc. This would be my usual line of reasoning.

It was only when a couple of my relationships went downhill that I realized there is something wrong with my selection criteria. I was in and out of relationships in a jiffy. There was no stability, no long-term plans. Forget marriage, I couldn’t even imagine my tomorrow with the guys I was seeing. So after a while, I decided to do some soul searching to find out what was wrong with the guys I was choosing for myself. I wanted to know why I was choosing them in the first place. I could boil it down to these five things.

1. I Was In It For The “Chase”

As filmy and cheesy as it sounds, it was true in my case. I would often end up dating these guys because the initial phase (the first leg of the relationship) was much more fun with them. I wanted someone to challenge me, to have the courage to stand up to me. This need was met by these types of guys. It’s a different thing that soon their challenging nature was transformed into disrespect for my time, my life and me. I didn’t realize that there was a huge difference between a spirited debate and a vengeful shouting match.

2. I Really Admired Their Confidence

The guys I dated were typical jocks. They carried themselves with a lot of confidence. I was completely bowled over by that air of confidence. It never occurred to me that those guys were too self-obsessed to care about anything but themselves, which is why they never had any doubts.

3. I Was Looking For Authority Figures

Turns out I was paying too much attention to all those toxic models of masculinity that are paraded day in and day out on the TV screens and Media. I felt that unless a man validated my choices, they were not good enough or smart enough. And that validation had to come from these tall hunks, who thought men didn’t cry and did not think twice before picking a fight. They were men, you see. I had internalised the notion that in order to be a man, they had to have these qualities. And if such a man told me to not go out late or not to wear a particular dress it was probably for my own good.

4. I Was Trying To Live Vicariously

Going out with men like these allowed me to live life on the edge. I was forced to be the dutiful, sensible daughter at home. Dating men like these allowed me to escape from that rule-bound life. So what if I couldn’t tell my mum that I drank and that I liked to party. I could do that with them. If I had to be miss goody-two-shoes at home, I could be the party girl with them. In fact, they appreciated the party girl more. I did not have to be the boring, plain Jane anymore.

5. I Had A Mortal Fear Of Commitment

I always thought that I wasn’t getting married because my choice of men was so poor. However, when I analyzed my past dating pattern it became apparent that I was unconsciously choosing men with whom I could not have any future. I was trying to sabotage my own relationships by choosing guys like that because I was, and to an extent still am, afraid of commitment.

After these realizations, it became apparent to me that when it came to dating I was my own worst enemy. The problem with the guys I was dating was that I had projected all my fears and anxieties onto them, without actively engaging with them in any meaningful sort of way. Rather than looking for an easy way out, I decided to face these fears and issues on my own. I decided to let go of my earlier views and choose a person who made me feel comfortable in my own skin. I decided to look for a guy who would be willing to work on our relationship with me, it didn’t matter if he was a “good guy” or a “bad guy”. I decided to clean the slate and start afresh.

What qualities do you look for in a potential partner? Drop them in the comments below.

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