I’m Vulnerable And It’s The Best Thing I Ever Let Myself Be

Written by Saumya Gaur  • 

Vulnerability is a very human thing, isn’t it? However, unlike other human emotions such as love, empathy, joy, etc., it doesn’t enjoy a coveted position. Most of us fear being vulnerable, in fact, if you ever appear vulnerable, it is taken as a sign of weakness. This was exactly my line of thought as well. Being the eldest child of a single mother, I always prided myself on being strong, at least mentally. Like everyone else, I believed in keeping a stiff upper lip no matter what I was going through. Bad job, bad break up, too many responsibilities – no matter what was happening in my life, I never let anyone in. I kept up the façade of a strong, independent woman, who could roll with the punches. It never occurred to me that no one would think less of me if I just gave in and said, “No” every now and then.

The Turning Point

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It so happened that one fine day, when I was going through a particularly bad period, I just couldn’t get myself to get out of the bed. It seemed to me that I didn’t have any strength left in me. Everything seemed very bleak, it all seemed very pointless to me. I decided to call in sick at work and take some time off that day. For the first time ever in my work history, I had taken a leave that was just for me, not for chores, not for anybody else but just me.

I spent the entire day deep in thoughts. I realized that I had taken on too much in my bid to achieve my idea of perfection. The constant pressure to be perfect without fault in all spheres of life had taken a toll on me. I had been trying to balance so many ropes – the perfect girlfriend, the perfect sister, the perfect teammate, the perfect daughter, and the list goes on. And in doing so, I had spread myself too thin. It was then that I decided it was time for a change. I decided to set only one rule for myself and that was simply learning to share my doubts, fears, and apprehensions with others in my life. I was no longer interested in running after that elusive perfection.

And The Sun Shone A Little Brighter

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After that, it felt like some huge burden had been taken off of me. I realized how much I had on my plate. For the first time ever in my life, I allowed myself to be vulnerable. It was only now that I realized how much work it was to appear to be perfect all the time. It completely sapped my energy, in fact, I could have done much more in life had I not been so afraid to hear no or been so worried about what others thought of me.

It was liberating to go out in the world without that protective armor. I finally learned to not doubt everyone’s intention, accept a compliment without searching for a hidden meaning. Sure, I was learning to give myself a little more leeway, but it wasn’t as if I had become blind. I still did my work as thoroughly as possible, made all my decisions with due diligence just like before. But I was more mindful of my limits and I didn’t push them. It was still difficult to say no when friends wanted help with chores or when a work emergency cropped up. Though I realized if I did that every now and then, it wasn’t a make or break thing for my personal as well as professional relationships. People did not judge (well, not as much), it was all a delusion that I had nurtured in my brain over the years. It made my life so much simpler.

I Am Never Going Back

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This way of life allowed me to heal my relationship with myself. I started forming more meaningful connections with people now that I wasn’t constantly worrying about what they thought of me. I had more energy, the time I spent with my family and friends was quality time. Not spent on endless chores and parties just to keep everybody happy. I finally learned that a professional opinion offered by a colleague or a superior wasn’t an indictment of my character. It took away that metaphorical sword that had always seemed to be hanging above me. Life was full of joy and potential. In fact, I had never been happier than I was now.

Vulnerability is not a sin or a sign of weakness. It actually signifies the strength to recognize your limits, to accept your failings, to approach the world with a fresh eye, to have more honest conversations with yourself. We need to realize that it is human to err, and it might be more helpful if we concentrated our energies on doing more meaningful work rather than perfect work. It is okay to loosen the reins once in a while.

I realized that, and I am never going to fall into the vicious circle of running after perfection. What about you? Are you prepared to be vulnerable? Let us know in the comments below.

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