I Suffer From Unexplained Infertility – And I Know I Am Not Alone

It all started three years after I got married. I was 24. My husband, Sandeep, had just turned 26 then. Both of us had thriving careers in our respective fields and getting married early was a prudent decision on our part. We wanted to work for at least 2-3 years, without the pressure of the biological clock ticking like a time bomb to have a kid. But, fate had something else in store for me. We began trying for a kid around three years after that. After trying for 6 months and getting nowhere, we finally decided that it was time to get checked.

The First Doctor’s Visit

We decided to keep our visit to the doctor a secret from our respective families. We did not want to trouble them (in case this turned out to be a false alarm). I remember that as we drove to the doctor’s place, I had this tight knot in my stomach. We met with the doctor and he assured us that there was nothing to worry about. A 6 months-trial period wasn’t long enough to qualify us as infertile or in need of medical help. He advised us to schedule our baby-making sessions around the time of my ovulation to increase our chances of having a kid. I remember feeling a wave of relief wash over me. Sandeep even joked that he now had the doctor’s permission to do it so I could not say no. Seeing him laugh about it made me feel like it was going to be all right. We went back home and life as we knew it, went on. It took a while before things changed.

A few months had gone by when I began to panic. Everywhere I looked, people were having babies. My Facebook feed was filled with joyous pictures of friends and their newborns. As much as I wanted to feel happy for them, those pictures were a reminder to me of the one thing I lacked in my life. I could even sense a change in Sandeep’s attitude. With all the scheduling, our lovemaking sessions had become very monotonous. Whenever he tried to be spontaneous, I couldn’t participate in it with as much gusto because of all the stress. And when we did end up getting intimate, I was reminding him that it was time. I had started to feel like a drill sergeant. To his credit, he never once complained but it was evident, he was getting tired too.

The Never-Ending Wait

My 28th birthday had come and gone, still no sign of the baby. Our families which had been incredibly cool about the whole thing were dropping hints now. Subtly but surely, I had started receiving hints about aspirations of seeing a grandchild from both sets of parents. I had ended up confiding the whole thing to my mother, who promptly took out her phone and handed me a phone number. It belonged to a fertility clinic, my mother’s colleague had visited it for her daughter-in-law. “There is no harm in going,” she said.

Finally, I and Sandeep visited the clinic on a Sunday morning. The doctor was incredibly patient and listened to us carefully. After a while, he suggested us to take a couple of tests to find out the root cause of the problem. We took the tests with both of us equally anxious about the results. It turned out that everything was fine. I had been off the pill for more than two years, so there were no residual effects. It was then that the doctor dropped the truth bomb on us. He told us that I suffered from something known as idiopathic infertility or unexplained infertility. Apparently, it was quite a common phenomenon.

He explained to us that the best course of action, in this case, would be to go for intrauterine insemination. He explained to us that this was less invasive and I only had to take a few drugs to help my body produce more eggs. We would be called to the office during the days I would be ovulating and would be artificially inseminated with Sandeep’s semen. We came back from the visit, deep in thought, I was depressed because my body was not functioning the way it was supposed to. I just wanted to cry my heart out. Sandeep hugged me when we reached home and whispered in my ears “It’s not your fault”. He probably knew I was holding myself responsible.

Thus began the most difficult period of my life. The first cycle of IUI proved to be a non-starter. Even though I had no surety of results, I had to completely overhaul my life. Give up smoking, and drinking. I had no social circle, no one to share my pain with. I knew everyone was trying to make me comfortable, but I hated that they had to walk on eggshells around me. Friends who had kids were reluctant to hang out with me and those who did want to hang out with me wanted to party, and I clearly didn’t. So I could not hang out with them. I found myself completely shut-off from the world. This went on for a few months until I found out that I had finally conceived. After two unsuccessful IUI cycles, the third one had borne fruits (quite literally). My happiness knew no bounds.

Today, I am happily pregnant with twins, and into my second trimester. And to all those mothers-in-waiting who are in similar situations, I just want to say, ” Don’t give up. There is light at the end of this tunnel. However, long it may be. And always remember, it is not your fault.”

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