I Want To Know You Beyond The Hook-Ups

It was a familiar setting, the clothes were strewn all over the couch, the smoke of the cigarette hung in the air. There was a half-eaten pizza lying on the nightstand. And there was you, covering the other half of my bed. As I looked at your handsome face, I felt a familiar pang of self-doubt. “This again? How long can this go on?”, I could hear myself thinking aloud. But as I watched you stir in your sleep, I banished that nagging voice in my head. “This is worth it, we don’t want to complicate it,” I assured myself and went back to the warmth of my bed and you.

This was our routine, every other weekend we would find our way to each other. No matter what we were doing, hanging out with the friends or partying our sorrows away. One phone call from either of us to the other was enough to make the other abandon everything. The place of our rendezvous would always be my apartment. Whenever I would ask him to go to his place he always had an excuse ready at his disposal. “I don’t live alone like you, I have flatmates and I don’t want them to intrude.” Or “My air conditioner isn’t working, besides your place is nearer.” And it never bothered me, I was so hungry for those few moments of intimacy that I never paid attention to these red flags. Looking back at those moments, I wish I had taken a pause when I heard those excuses, that I had the sense to ask the questions “Are you ashamed of me? What are you hiding?”

We met at a work meeting. He was making a pitch to sell his product to our company. And I was the one who was put in charge of heading that meeting. He was as impressive as he was handsome and while he had a good product, due to cost issues, we decided to go with someone else. Not wanting to miss out on a chance to be with such a handsome hunk, I asked him out for drinks to get to know him in person. So I acknowledge it was I who made the first move. I had recently broken up with my boyfriend of 4 years and I was just looking to re-enter the world of dating and have some fun. At that time, all I wanted was to feel the rush of meeting someone new, trying to impress them by dressing up nice and getting complimented in return.

Soon, I would find myself texting him in the middle of the night with texts like I wish you could have a sip of this wine. It’s amazing. Or I am craving a deep-dish pizza. I wish we could have that right now. And he would surprise me by ringing my doorbell a few minutes after that with a smile on his face and a deep-dish pizza in his hand. We had started spending time together though that time was mostly spent in the bedroom, under the sheets.

It started like that, and I was content with what we had. I didn’t want to get too involved again so this suited me just fine. Those late-night booty calls were enough for me. This went on for a couple of months, soon my 28th birthday was around the corner. I didn’t say it out loud but I expected some kind of special surprise from him. I couldn’t get myself to admit that after being so in love with this no-strings-attached lifestyle for so long I had suddenly begun to miss the warmth of a “normal” relationship.

My birthday had come and gone, I didn’t even get a birthday wish from him forget about a surprise. We did meet after that and he sheepishly claimed that he forgot and would make it up to me in “other” ways. I just didn’t find it as charming or funny as I used to before.

Now I am stuck in this limbo, I don’t want to let go of what I have with him but I also feel very unfulfilled. This equation is not working out for me anymore. I want to get to know him on a deeper level, go out with him on a real date. See where he lives. I am fed up with this apparition that keeps flitting in and out of my life. But since I was the one who initiated this arrangement, how can I tell him that I want an out now. Won’t I be the perfect example of the clingy-woman stereotype? I don’t want to be reduced to a stereotype just because I wanted some companionship and someone to care for me. Is that too much to ask?

I want to know him as intimately as I know every contour of his body. I want to know what makes him smile, what are his pet peeves. I just don’t want to be two strangers who spend the night together. I want to know him beyond these hook-ups.

Note: This is a piece of fiction which is not reflective of the author’s personal opinions.

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