Remember the Elle 18 advertisement in the late 90s with women defying stereotypes and telling us what they would like to be instead? How much did you resonate with that? How many of our aunts and mothers secretly cheered them on?
When Canadian Prime minister Justin Trudeau took office in 2015 and one of the reporters asked him about the decision to include so many women in his administration, his response was simple but effective, “Because it is 2015”.
Yet in 2017, we are still wondering how much of scandal some of our actions or experiences would create. We’ve often wondered where Pummy Auntie from Flat 302 disappears to every Wednesday afternoon, or how our mother’s older sister’s fringe is always level, always straight even when Mumbai floods.
But as long as the world and its men don’t catch up to us being wild and free, there are some things we only do in secrecy.
Here are some of them:
1. Just An Ol’ Chip Of The Block
The package from the online beauty portal has arrived! You’re excited to try on the matte color that looks like a gel finish of the season. They’ve announced that it will be the color on the runways this AW 17. And then it happens: you are opening your lunchbox and some of the nail paint chips. The beginning of the end.
2. A Hand In My Pants
Yes, sir! If it’s natural for you to put your hand in your pants, it’s the same for me. We’re not adjusting anything; we’re just chillin’.
3. I Know What You Did Last Friday Night
We stalk, we analyze, we discuss, we infer, we judge. Even better if you chose to let go of us for her. You might want to change your privacy settings on social media.
4. Snip, Trim, Pluck
Of course, we do it! You can’t have that one hair on the forehead that you inherited from your great aunt ruin a perfect close-up shot! Besides, the ex you stalked on social media? His wife probably knows about it given that you thought it was true love and let him in on the secret.
5. Voices In My Head
We need to hear the voices in our head and respond to them. Often, it’s our crush speaking to us (FINALLY!!!). How will he ask me out? How will I respond? How will I flip my hair nonchalantly? How am I going to slay a conversation on El Classico with his pals?
6. Scratch And Sniff
Not quite, but if there’s stuff in the hair that’s easily trapped by our fingers and nails, we are going to examine them before discarding. Gross? We agree.
7. What’s Up In My Belly Button?
“OG! You pick the fluff, too?”
“Of course! What the hell is it anyway, and how did it get in there?””I have no idea, but it has to go!”
8. All The World’s A Stage
I don’t know about you, but when Jennifer Lopez’ debut English hit video If you had mylove came out I spent hours in front of my mirror pretending I had a booty and could shake it as well as she did. Seventeen years later, I still do it.
9. Laundry Day…
…can wait, because this is just the best bra for me and I am not ready to wash it yet.
10. Smoky Since Yesterday
Really. Who has the energy to take off all the makeup tonight only to reapply tomorrow? Let me just touch it all up in the morning.
11. Is It Date Night Yet?
No. Well, yesterday’s five o’ clock shadow on my legs is staying put until I really have to shave it off.
12. On His Knees…
And making me sob all over my fruit yogurt. “I’m going to have the exact same proposal!”
13. Voice Notes
She does it; I do it. We record our voices to see if we sound just like we imagine we do. Shreya Ghosal better watch out.
14. What’s That There?
That turn to your extreme left to peer out of the window and pretending to see a miniscule item just so you can pick your nose.
15. Peeing In The Shower
How else does one start the bathing process?
16. She’s An 8 At Best
Trial rooms are the best. We can compare, admire, respect, envy other women’s breasts openly.
17. Thank God For Toilet Roll
Obviously, you didn’t bring pads with you because your periods are supposed to start the day after tomorrow!
18. Public Toilet Phobia
The glory of the personal toilet does not belong to men alone. We like our toilets, too. There’s no place like home to take a dump.
19. Off With The (Black) Heads
After ingrowth, squeezing blackheads is the second favorite.
20. Is It There?
Checking hourly to ensure the tampon is in place. Of course, who wouldn’t?
Ladies, we no longer need to be ashamed of such activities. We don’t need to advertise them, but we don’t need to carry them out as covert action either! Let’s own it!