I Know What Love Is, But I Don’t Know What It’s Like To Be Loved

Written by Shivani K  • 

Love.

It’s just a four letter word but it’s difficult to explain what it actually means. It’s something that I’ve always showered others with. I’ve grown up watching my parents being in love and I’ve seen them grow stronger together and fonder of each other with every passing minute. All of it made me want to just have one thing in life and that’s love. Watching them every day is what made me begin my quest for love.

I started to live in this bubble: a fantasy of my own happy place of spending my life with a woman who would love me unconditionally. I often pictured myself cuddling with her and serving her breakfast on the bed (which she’d feed me), and after we’re done enjoying a good breakfast, we both would go back to cuddling a little more. I believed that there’s going to be this special woman out there who would surrender all of her world’s happiness just to watch me smile. And I’d do anything to hear her giggle away and win my heart again and again. This is what I thought of love to be.

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It’s been a good eight years now and I’ve been in at least 3 serious relationships. Well, at least, I took it to be a serious one. Of the three women, Neha has remained fresh in my memories. Her memories are as fresh as a baked pudding that’s come right out of the oven. I gave her my all (love and attention, I mean). But, she seldom cared for me, forget about loving me back. But, every time I questioned myself why I didn’t receive the love I gave her, I remembered my mum’s words —“Love takes time. It’s a process.”

Neha was beautiful. Her eyes are what attracted me the most. I’d patiently watch her wander away into her world of dreams and be her own playful self. She was a lively soul and I was the complete opposite, an introvert. We had met at an Under 25 Summit. She was the one who spoke to me first, after my latte art workshop. Yes, I love my coffees only when they look artistic. She was a volunteer at the summit. We had a gala time the second day. We spent the entire day together. I was constantly making efforts to know her better. But, she never tried and this made me think that she loved me for what I am (foolish me).

We met quite a few times after the summit. I totally loved spending time with her. It was always according to her convenience and her choice of cafes. I don’t know, it was a different but a surreal feeling. Meeting her and talking to her even if it was just for a few minutes made me happy. After almost 5 months of casual meets and greets, I asked her out on a date. She didn’t even take an extra second to think, she said, “Yes, of course, Golu.” I was overwhelmed. I thought my quest for love had ended finally.

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The date was beautiful. I’d planned it keeping in mind what she’d answered once when I asked her about her idea of a perfect date. She got emotional and that made me emotional. But, strangely, that was the last date we had. She stopped talking to me after a few days. She stopped answering my messages. She stopped picking my calls. And I stood in front of the mirror once again thinking, “Vikas, you’re at the same spot again. You, once again, weren’t loved.”

Image: Shutterstock

I don’t know what the problem with me is, am I so bad that I cannot be loved? I know everything about love. I know what love is supposed to be. What it does to a person’s life. But then, sometimes, I think that I’ve only looked at the beauty of love. And that I have overlooked the pain it brings along with it. Maybe my understanding of love has more of an idealistic look inspired by what I’ve seen in my parents’ case. I’ve seen them fall in love each other deeper with time. I thought my love was enough to keep my partner and me together. But I was wrong. So damn wrong!

I failed to realize that if someone loves you, they’ll never ever leave you. I ignored that when someone loves you, not only will it be felt with you but it can also be seen by everybody around you. A secret love story is like a suitcase of negativity knocking at your door. You will find people out there saying things like don’t fall in love with someone from the same profession, don’t love someone who is completely opposite to your nature. But, hey, all that matters is your bond with your partner. The love between the two of you shouldn’t be fettered. That’s what I realized. And yes, I’ll still say this again that I know everything about love. However, I’m still alien to the feeling of being loved. But, I haven’t given up yet and neither should you.

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